Maggie Carpenter: I am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up.
Peggy: Have you heard my husband's morning show?"Wake Up With Flem?"
Maggie Carpenter: A girl can't get married in flannel.
Ike Graham: Shazam! I think I'm in Mayberry.
Maggie Carpenter: You're a cynical, exploitive, mean-hearted creep who wouldn't know real love if it bit him in the armpit.
Mrs. Pressmann: I'm thinking of changing back to my maiden name.
Walter Carpenter: Can you still remember it?
Maggie Carpenter: Bless me Father for I have sinned. My last confession was... well. Anyway, I have sorta a technical question. I've been having bad thoughts, really bad thoughts.
Priest Brian: Of an impure nature?
Maggie Carpenter: No, No, I want to destroy this man's life, career everything. I want revenge. Now on a sins scale how bad is that? Can I Hail Mary my way out of that?
Ike Graham: Hey, don't knock drunks in bars! It means they're not out driving.