Judd Altman: What's the matter with you. Do you ever think before you speak?
Phillip Altman: No, that would take all the fun out of it.
Paul Altman: Dad would have hated this funeral. It's just one of the things I loved about him. He would have been counting the minuets, so that he could go down the hill, turn on the game, and he would have talked about how full of shit everyone was, and didn't really miss him. He would have been wrong. I do miss him.
Judd Altman: It's hard to see people from your past when your present is so cataclysmically screwed up.
Phillip Altman: Sometimes I think you're too good for me.
Tracy Sullivan: Don't be silly, I'm definitely too good for you.
Judd Altman: I don't understand the Shiva. Mom's not even Jewish, and dad was an atheist.
Wendy Altman: A Jewish atheist, and this is what he wanted.
Wendy Altman: Don't worry about Chelsea. Philip's skanky ex-girlfriends are a dime a dozen.
Tracy Sullivan: Do they all have to look like Victoria's Secret models?
Wendy Altman: She's not that hot.
Tracy Sullivan: Oh, come on! I would do her.
Wendy Altman: Yeah. I wouldn't say that in front of my brother.
Quinn Altman: Hi Phillip.
Phillip Altman: Quinn. I always knew there was something of a cold hearted slut in you.
Quinn Altman: It takes one to know one.
Phillip Altman: Touché, Pussycat.
Horry Callen: Brain injury. There are things I can't do.
Judd Altman: Like what?
Horry Callen: Like remember what the hell it is I can't do.
Judd Altman: Three months ago I had a great job and a nice apartment and I was in love with my wife.
Wendy Altman: No, you weren't.
Judd Altman: No?
Wendy Altman: No. She was sleeping with somebody else for a year and you never noticed... How in love could you have been?
Judd Altman: Yep... That's fair.
Penny Moore: You used to laugh at my jokes.
Judd Altman: No, I didn't.
Penny Moore: Yes, you did.
Judd Altman: Yes, I did, but your jokes used to be funnier.
Phillip Altman: Dad was a stoner?
Judd Altman: No, it was probably medicinal.
Phillip Altman: It always is.
Judd Altman: I'm gonna have to forgive her for the sake of that kid, aren't I?
Phillip Altman: Well, I'm no expert... but I think you're gonna have to make much larger sacrifices down the road.
Phillip Altman: Sorry I'm late.
Judd Altman: You're a dick.
Phillip Altman: Yeah, tell me something I don't know.
Judd Altman: Your shirt is on inside out.
Phillip Altman: That, I did not know.
Judd Altman: You can't possibly know it' mine.
Quinn Altman: Trust me, it's yours.
Judd Altman: Well, strangely, trust is not the first impulse I have when it comes to you.
