Caroline: You know, you could try being nicer to him.
Richard: Yeah, and I could watch Tori Spelling play Medea. But life is just too short.
Caroline: Is it true that one Christmas-.
Natalie Karinsky: Is he still bringing that up? We're jewish.
Richard: My fortune cookie's empty... That's also the title of my autobiography.
Del: No way, Phil could never afford to buy her those things on what I paid him.
Charlie: Probably bought it with the money he was embezzling.
Del: What?.
Charlie: He was embezzling, skimming off the top, robbing you blind, spanking the monkey. Oh wait, that's something else.
Del: So how do you think I came off?
Woman: A little needy.
Richard: Is she gone yet?
Caroline: Yeah, Richard, she left.
Annie: Give your mommy a kiss... It hurts to talk like that.
Advertising Lady: You want a puppet? Get her a puppet.
Richard: She already has one. Me.
Caroline: And if you're really good, maybe someday you'll turn into a real boy.
Richard: I'm very open to criticism.
Kenneth: Hmm.
Richard: Oh yeah, who the hell are you to judge my work?
Caroline: I'm not going to let them get away with this. I'm going to mock them in my comic strip.
Richard: No, no, no. Caroline, please. Remember when you mocked the electric company? I'm not working by candlelight again.
Caroline: He wants to get married.
Richard: To you?
Caroline: No, to you.
Richard: Mother, buy a gun it will be faster.
Caroline: But not nearly as much fun.
Richard: Ok, ok, well you've all met Lady Bracknall. So let the games begin.
Caroline: Well she really didn't say much but your imaginary friend, Adam, he spilled hit guts.
Annie: Yeah Mr. Bedwetter.
Richard: I can't believe she told you that.
Annie: She didn't, gotcha. Five bucks.
Annie: Happy birthday Tightass.
Richard: Thanks a lot, Tart.
Richard: Well, if it isn't the 8th dwarf, Easy.
Caroline: You're Richard's mother?
Natalie Karinsky: Oh, did he tell you I was dead? Usually he tells everyone I'm dead.
Annie: No. He said you lived in Utah.
Natalie Karinsky: Utah? I'd rather be dead.
Richard: This is ridiculous. I'm taking my lunch break. Del, I don't want any part in this.
Del: Oh come on, Richard.
Richard: Back off gentile.
Richard: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there were lots of mice playing, 'cuz the cat was dead.
Caroline: It wasn't my one and only marriage proposal. In second grade, a guy proposed to me and besides the fact that he ate paste, he was quite a catch.
Annie: Richie can't drive.
Richard: This is true, but if you lay down in the street I'll give it a try.
Richard's machine: Hello?
Caroline: Yeah, Richard, it's Caroline -.
Richard's machine: Actually it's a machine, but aren't we all?
Caroline: So now you decide to develop a sense of humor?
