Quotes from Gene Wilder movies and TV shows

Jenny Hill: I'm not proud of what I did.
Sigerson Holmes: You've just told me a magnificent success story! Overlooking the fact that you're a liar, a thief, a traitor, and a whore, I don't see what should be bothering you.

Jenny Hill: I don't wish to talk about it.
Sigerson Holmes: The problem won't go away because you don't wish to t.
Jenny Hill: I don't wish to talk about it.
Orville: You're making a tragic mistake, love.
Jenny Hill: I've made a tragic mistake. More tragic than you can possibly imagine. And unless I am very careful... I am going to die for it.

Sigerson Holmes: What did the letter say Mrs.Hill?
Jenny Hill: IT said I wanted to touch HIS winkle.
Sigerson Holmes: Ohh.
Orville: His what?
Sigerson Holmes: Never mind, I'll explain later.

Sigerson Holmes: You call this tea?
Orville: No, I call that hot water.

Sigerson Holmes: The clue obviously lies in the word "cheddar." Let's see now. Seven letters. Rearranged, they come to, let me see: "Rachedd." "Dechdar." "Drechad." "Chaderd" - hello, chaderd! Unless I'm very much mistaken, chaderd is the Egyptian word meaning "to eat fat." Now we're getting somewhere.

Orville: Are you Mister S., for Sigerson, Holmes?
Sigerson Holmes: Perhaps.
Orville: Do you have a brother whose first name is Sherlock?
Sigerson Holmes: I do not.
Orville: You do have a brother?
Sigerson Holmes: I do.
Orville: Might I inquire as to his first name?
Sigerson Holmes: "Sheer luck."

Jim: Well, it got so that every piss-ant prairie punk who thought he could shoot a gun would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. It got pretty gritty. I started to hear the word "draw" in my sleep. Then one day, I was just walking down the street when I heard a voice behind me say, "Reach for it, mister!" I spun around... And there I was, face-to-face with a six-year old kid. Well, I just threw my guns down and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass. So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle, and I've been there ever since.

[To two members of the KKK, while pretending to capture Bart.]
Jim: Oh, boys! Lookee what I got heyuh.
Bart: Hey, where the white women at?

Bart: You are my guest, and I am your host. What is your pleasure? What do you like to do?
Jim: I don't know... Play chess... Screw...
Bart: [quickly.] Let's play chess.

Bart: A man drink like that and he don't eat, he is going to DIE.
Jim: [eagerly.] When?

Jim: You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... Morons.

Bart: Are we awake?
Jim: We're not sure. Are we... Black?
Bart: Yes, we are.
Jim: Then we're awake... But we're very puzzled.

Avram: ...In that case, would you like to fight for that last fish?
Tommy: You think you got a chance?
Avram: I think I can say with complete confidence... none, whatsoever. But I'm still hungry.
Tommy: Help yourself.

Tommy: You sure talk funny. Where you born at?
Avram: Poland.
Tommy: Oh. Is that near Pittsburgh?
Avram: No, that's near Czechoslovakia.

Wally: [yelling in Dave's ear.] Shazaam! Can you hear me?
Dave: Wally! I heard you! I heard your voice!
Wally: Hooray! You can hear me!
Dave: What?
Wally: You can hear me!
Dave: No, schmuck, I'm deaf! I'm deaf! Now do you get it?

Wally: These streets are bumpy.
Dave: You're driving on the sidewalk!

Dave: Tell me the first thing that pops in your head.
Wally: Pussy!

Dave: And then one day, my wife turned into this remarkable creature that could sit on the end of a broom stick and take off. She could actually achieve flight.
Wally: I think I was married to that woman once.
Dave: Small world.

Captain Braddock: Was...there...or...wasn't...there...a...wo-man?
Dave: Yes...there...was...a...wo-man.
Captain Braddock: Why is he talking like that?
Wally: Be-cause...he's...deaf...not...stu-pid.

Dave: We're in a warehouse, and you've just hit a cow! I think you'd better back up.