Sylvia Likens: She sacrificed me to protect her children, and she sacrificed her children to protect herself.
Sylvia Likens: Reverend Bill used to say, "For every situation God always has a plan." I guess I'm still trying to figure out what that plan was.
Izzy: Lie to us, we'll lie to you, spy on us, we'll spy on you, poison us, we'll poison you.
Hayley Stark: It's not me you need to worry about. It's Janelle. I called her, told her I was lieutenant Hayley from the LAPD. How far does she live, Jeff?
Hayley Stark: This is what they make those federal laws for, Jeff. This is officially sick.
Hayley Stark: I guess they, uh, weren't brass.
Jeff Kohlver: Fuck off.
Hayley Stark: Your conversational skills are really deteriorating as the day goes on.
Hayley Stark: I shouldn't have teased you. I shouldn't have made you think there was a way out of this.
Jeff Kohlver: Is this some kind of teenage joke?
Hayley Stark: Teenage? Yeah. Joke? No.
Jeff Kohlver: Those letters are mine.
Hayley Stark: Nothing's yours when you invite a teenager into your home.
Jeff Kohlver: Why don't you just kill me?
Hayley Stark: Is that what you think I want?
Hayley Stark: Well, 4 out of 5 doctors agree that I am actually insane.
Hayley Stark: You're a headline waiting to happen.
Hayley Stark: Seriously. It turns out that castration is like the easiest surgical procedure around, and thousands of farm boys across the country geld their own livestock. So I figured, if they can do it, then I can pull it off, if you know what I mean.
Jeff Kohlver: I'm not fucking livestock.
Hayley Stark: You keep telling yourself that, stud.
Hayley Stark: You really just don't look like kind of guy who needs to meet girls over the internet.
Jeff Kohlver: Well, I think it's better to meet people online first, sometimes. You get to know what they're like inside. When you work as a photographer you find out, real quick, people's faces lie.
Hayley Stark: Does my face lie?
Leah: Yo Yo Yiggady Yo.
Juno MacGuff: I'm pregnant.
Leah: What? Honest to blog? Are you sure it's not a food baby? Did you eat a big lunch?
Juno MacGuff: This is not a food baby all right? I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I'm forshizz up the spout.
Leah: How did you even generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests?
Juno MacGuff: T don't know, I drank like, ten gallons of Sunny D... I'm telling you I'm pregnant and you're acting shockingly caviler.
Leah: Is this for real?
Juno MacGuff: Unfortunately, yes.
Leah: Oh my GOD. Shit! Phuket, Thailand!
Juno MacGuff: We don't even have a dog.
Bren MacGuff: Well that's because you're allergic to their saliva. I've made a lot of sacrifices for you, Juno, and in a few years, when you move out, I'm getting weimaraners.
Juno MacGuff: Woah, dream big.
Juno MacGuff: You should've gone to China, you know, 'cause I hear they give away babies like free iPods. You know, they pretty much just put them in those t-shirt guns and shoot them out at sporting events.
Vanessa Loring: Your parents are probably wondering where you are.
Juno MacGuff: Nah... I mean, I'm already pregnant, so what other kind of shenanigans could I get into?
