Quotes from Andrew Dice Clay movies and TV shows

Ford Fairlane: 1969 Fender Stratocaster, original pick-ups, maple neck, strung upside down for a left-handed motherfucking genius, Jimi Hendrix.

Ford Fairlane: Clint Eastwood... I fucked 'im.

Ford Fairlane: I'm so terrific I have my own toll-free number: 1-800-UNBELIEVABLE.

Ford Fairlane: Un-fucking-believable.

Ford Fairlane: I could crack my knuckles with more rhythm.

Ford Fairlane: I could've been a rock singer, if only I hadn't been banned from MTV. Long story. But anyway, I only know that one song. Well, I do a mean "Puff the Magic Dragon," but only in the nude. Longer story.

Ford Fairlane: Excuse me, did I hear the f-word out of you? You say "fuck" again and I'll bang you right to fuck. Now get the fuck out of here.

Ford Fairlane: Hey, look. Write down my number: 555-6321 Got it?
Twin Club Girl: Yeah. Wait a minute. 555 is not a real number. They only use that in the movies.
Ford Fairlane: No shit, honey. What do you think this is? Real life?

Ford Fairlane: How much?
Ticket Guy: 300.
Ford Fairlane: 300? You charged the chicks one.
Ticket Guy: Hey, they blew me.
Ford Fairlane: Heh. 300 coming up.

Ford Fairlane: What's the definition of a vagina? The box a penis comes in.

Lt. Amos: Are you calling me an asshole, asshole?
Ford Fairlane: No, I'm calling you an anus, anus.

Lt. Amos: You think you are so hot 'cos you get in all the clubs, heh? Just because you have sex with great looking women.
Ford Fairlane: You got to admit those are pretty good reasons.

Ford Fairlane: So many assholes... So few bullets.

Ford Fairlane: Have a twinkie, snapperhead.

Ford Fairlane: You're 10 seconds away from the most embarrassing moment in your life.

Amiable Tourist: Excuse me! Could you tell us how to get to Mann's Chinese Theatre?
Ford Fairlane: Go back to Michigan, asswipe.
Amiable Tourist: Oh, we're from Wisconsin.
Ford Fairlane: Yeah, and I'm from my dad's penis. Get out of here.

Ford Fairlane: What... you didn't really think we'd kill the fuckin' koala bear, now did ya?

Lt. Amos: See, that's the difference between a great investigator like me, and a piece of spam like you.
Ford Fairlane: Spam? You're a piece of spam. That's what I think of you.
Lt. Amos: No, I call you a piece of spam, 'cos that's what you are.
Ford Fairlane: Spam.

Ford Fairlane: Here's to you, Johnny. Sucking my dick. (toasting with Johnny Crunch at the radio station).

Ford Fairlane: Johnny was the only guy who could out-disgust me. When we were kids we had gross-out contests. I coughed a pile of phlegm on a table, he said "Nice try." and pulled out a straw.