Phaneron

Dick vs. Strudwick - S4-E21

Don: Hey Dick, the movie starts in 20 minutes.
Dick: Don, I can't come. I'm in the middle of writing a groundbreaking book that'll bring the physics world to its knees.
Don: Oh. What's it called?
Dick: "Payback's A Bitch, Strudwick."

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Post Nasal Dick - S1-E2

Dick: [Reading from "A Brief History of Time"] "The force-carrying particles exchange between matter particles are said to be virtual particles, because unlike real particles, they cannot be directly detected by a particle detector." The people on this planet will swallow anything [laughs].

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Angry Dick - S1-E13

Dick: [Reading from TV Guide] "Jerry dates a blind girl [Repeat]. Jerry dates a blind girl." It gains nothing the second time.

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I Am Dick Pentameter! - S4-E6

Dick: You have a little tofu on your lip.
Jennifer: This smoothie is delicious. Please have a sip.
Dick: Ah, thank you. But, no, just uh, please, go like this [makes wiping motion near his mouth].
Jennifer: I've got an idea, how 'bout we kiss?
Dick: Okay, time out, you're missing my point.
Jennifer: Finish your food and we'll blow this joint.
Dick: Just listen to me, you have tofu on your lip. It's been there for what seems like an eternity, now please just flick it the hell off your face! [She despondently wipes her face.] Thank you, that's better. Now we can embrace.

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Portrait of Tommy as an Old Man - S3-E19

Harry: Hey, what's the matter, Tommy?
Tommy: I have to write a twenty-page history paper by tomorrow.
Harry: Oh, that's tough.
Tommy: Oh, oh, and on top of that, George Kapasouris was waiting for me after school to beat me up 'cause I wouldn't let him cheat off my algebra test.
Harry: Whoa, so what'd you do, hop the fence and run home?
Tommy: Well no, I kicked his ass, but I mean, that's not the point. I shouldn't have to do that.

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Stuck with Dick - S3-E18

Don: Ass right there, freeze-hole!

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The Big Giant Head Returns Again (1) - S5-E21

Dick: Hey Tommy, how was school?
Tommy: Terrible. I got hauled into the principal's office because of my grades.
Harry: What'd he do to ya?
Tommy: Made me Valedictorian. Apparently I have the best grades in the school, dammit.
Dick: But you barely ever go to class.
Tommy: I know. That's how stupid everyone else is. Dammit!

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Why Dickie Can't Teach - S6-E6

Sally: Hey you guys, look: "Rutherford's 10 Most Powerful Men." What number are you, Don?
Don: Um, number "not on it."
Sally: What, have they just never heard of you? How could that be?
Don: Well Sally, I'm just a cop. But I once stopped number 8 for speeding, though. He let me off with a warning.

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See Dick Continue to Run, Continued (3) - S2-E2

Evil Dick: Stay and witness my moment of glory, as I impregnate the entire population of Ohio with my demon progeny.
Tommy: Wait, wait. Even the men?
Evil Dick: Okay, not the men.
Sally: What about little girls?
Evil Dick: Mmm, no, not them.
Tommy: What about elderly women?
Evil Dick: I don't think so.
Harry: What about women who are already pregnant?
Evil Dick: Oh, shut up, all of you! Okay, so apparently I won't be impregnating the entire population of Ohio. But all fertile women of child-bearing age who are not currently pregnant, and that's a lot!

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Brains and Eggs - S1-E1

Mary: For future reference, I have a red Volvo.
Dick: Please, Dr. Albright, we barely know each other.

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Dick, Who's Coming to Dinner - S5-E6

Sally: If I could change the world, I'd make every guy look like Don.
Tommy: How would you tell which one was Don?
Sally: They wouldn't all be named Don, dumbass.
Harry: I wonder what I'd look like if I looked like Don.

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Indecent Dick - S4-E8

Dick: Look at you, you're all obsessed with nudity, and it's dirty, filthy and vile.
Bug: It's not dirty, Dr. Solomon.
Pittman: We all come into this world naked.
Dick: I didn't.

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Dick, Who's Coming to Dinner - S5-E6

Dick: Does anyone remember why we all decided to be white?
Harry: Oh, um, I went with white ‘cause I thought it'd be a little cooler in the summer.
Tommy: Well don't you remember, Dick? All the television signals that we picked up in outer space were filled with white people.
Sally: Oh, except for that, uh, that black nerd with the hiked-up pants and the oversized glasses. What was his name?
Tommy: Bryant Gumbel.
Sally: Right.

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The Loud Solomon Family: A Dickumentary - S5-E9

Sally: Dad's a great guy. You'll really like him.
Mary: Dick, you always said your father was dead.
Dick: She meant you'll like his corpse.

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The Loud Solomon Family: A Dickumentary - S5-E9

Tommy: [Reading a fortune from a cookie] "There is no substitute for hard work."
Dick: Ah, how true is that? Harry, what does yours say?
Harry: Oh, um, "Your life is like a kite, somehow."
Dick: Harry, did you eat yours again?
Harry: Yeah.

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The Loud Solomon Family: A Dickumentary - S5-E9

Dick: Why do these people insist on putting their biographies in the paper, like they're so great? Beloved this and devoted that.
Nina: Dr. Solomon, those are the obituaries.
Dick: Well I want one about me.
Nina: Hopefully soon.

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The Art of Dick - S1-E11

Harry: Dick, I invented a new color. I combined red and yellow. I call it "redyellow." Can't wait to show it in art class.

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The Art of Dick - S1-E11

Dick: Tommy, do you ever doodle?
Tommy: Why, was I in the bathroom too long?
Dick: I can't doodle.
Tommy: Well Dick, you're kind of old.
Dick: Old? Picasso doodled on tablecloths late into his sixties.
Tommy: That's disgusting.
Dick: I know. I just can't draw.
Tommy: Oh, doodling.

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Fifteen Minutes of Dick - S2-E23

Sally: I cannot believe we had to give up our table for Luke Skywalker. "Ooh look at me, I'm so important. My father's Darth Vader."
Dick: He is!?

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When Aliens Camp - S3-E25

[Harry and Dick bump into each other while carrying a trout and a jar of peanut butter, respectively.]
Dick: You got your trout in my peanut butter!
Harry: Your peanut butter got on my trout!
[Both taste the combined flavors.]
Dick and Harry: Not bad.

Phaneron ★