Check-Out Woman: Are you here all by yourself?
Kevin McCallister: Ma'am, I'm eight years old. You think I would be here *alone*? I don't think so.
Kevin McCallister: This is extremely important. Will you please tell Santa that instead of presents this year, I just want my family back. No toys, nothing but Peter, Kate, Buzz, Megan, Linnie, and Jeff. And my aunt and my cousins. And if he has time, my Uncle Frank. Okay?
Megan McCallister: You're not at all worried that something might happen to Kevin?
Buzz McCallister: No, for three reasons: A, I'm not that lucky. Two, we use smoke detectors and D, we live on the most boring street in the whole United States of America, where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen. Period.
Kevin McCallister: You guys give up yet? Or are you thirsty for more?
Kate McCallister: How could we do this? We forgot him.
Peter McCallister: We didn't forget him, we just miscounted.
Kate McCallister: What kind of a mother am I?
Frank McCallister: If it makes you feel any better, I forgot my reading glasses.
Kevin McCallister: I took a shower washing every body part with actual soap; including all my major crevices; including inbetween my toes and in my belly button, which I never did before but sort of enjoyed. I washed my hair with adult formula shampoo and used cream rinse for that just-washed shine. I can't seem to find my toothbrush, so I'll pick one up when I go out today. Other than that, I'm in good shape.
Marv: Kids are scared of the dark.
Harry: You're afraid of the dark, too, Marv.
Kevin McCallister: This is my house, I have to defend it.
Kate McCallister: Where are the passports and tickets?
Peter McCallister: I put them in the microwave to dry em' off.
Harry: Where'd he go?
Marv: Maybe he committed suicide.
Kevin: Down here, you big horse's ass!
Classic Movie Mob Guy: Who is it?
Pizza Delivery Boy: It's Little Nero's, sir. I have your pizza.
Classic Movie: Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell outta here.
Pizza Delivery Boy: Okay. Um, well, what about the money?
Classic Movie: What money?
Pizza Delivery Boy: You have to pay for your pizza, sir.
Classic Movie: Is that a fact? How much do I owe you?
Pizza Delivery Boy: Um, that'll be $11.80, sir.
[Kevin puts $12 through the doggy door.]
Classic Movie: Keep the change you filthy animal.
Pizza Delivery Boy: Cheapskate.
Classic Movie: Hey! I'm going to give you to the count of 10 to get your ugly, yella, no good keister off my property before I pump your guts full of lead. 1. 2. 10. [Machine gun fire and laughter].
Kevin McCallister: A lovely cheese pizza, just for me.
Kevin McCallister: Buzz?
Buzz McCallister: Don't you know how to knock, phlegm wad?
Kevin McCallister: Can I sleep in your room? I don't wanna sleep on the hide-a-bed with the Fuller. If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed.
Buzz McCallister: I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass!