Lester: Comedy is tragedy plus time.
Barbara: You told me it's been plutonic a year. And I say, once the sex goes, it all goes.
Cliff Stern: It's true. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
Professor Levy: You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact that, when we fall in love, we are seeking to re-find all or some of the people to whom we were attached as children. On the other hand, we ask our beloved to correct all of the wrongs that these early parents or siblings inflicted upon us. So that love contains in it the contradiction: The attempt to return to the past and the attempt to undo the past.
Lester: Look, I'll be frank with you. You're not my first choice. I'm doing this strictly as a favor to Wendy. Because, you haven't worked in a long time. She's embarrassed.
Clifford Stern: I work! It's just that nobody's paying me.
Lester: I told you I'm putty in your hands.
Halley: What am I gonna do with a handful of putty?
Clifford Stern: What is the guy so upset about? You'd think nobody was ever compared to Mussolini before.
Clifford Stern: What are you bothering with this guy for? I mean, you know, he's such a pompous bore and your show does such great profiles.
Halley Reed: Well, listen, I'll tell you, just between you and me, I wanted to do Gabriel García Márquez.
Clifford Stern: That's perfect.
Halley Reed: They like to mix it up. They like a little variety. After all, he is an American phenomenon.
Clifford Stern: Yeah, but so is acid rain.
Clifford Stern: Listen, I don't know from suicides. Y'know, where I grew up, in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide. Y'know, everyone was too unhappy.
Halley Reed: I wanted to give you this letter back.
Clifford Stern: It's my one love letter.
Halley Reed: It's beautiful. I'm just the wrong person.
Clifford Stern: It's probably just as well. I plagiarized most of it from James Joyce. You probably wondered why all the references to Dublin.
Judah Rosenthal: I remember my father telling me, "The eyes of God are on us always." The eyes of God. What a phrase to a young boy. What were God's eyes like? Unimaginably penetrating, intense eyes, I assumed. And I wonder if it was just a coincidence I made my specialty ophthalmology.
Judah Rosenthal: You've seen too many movies. I'm talking about reality. I mean, if you want a happy ending, you should go see a Hollywood movie.
Clifford Stern: I know this guy! He won't be able to take his hands off you. He'll get you in a room, you know, and he'll - he'll read you your Miranda rights and he'll tear your clothes off.
Halley Reed: He's interested in producing something of mine.
Clifford Stern: Your first child.
Cliff Stern: I think I see a cab. If we run quickly we can kick the crutch from that old lady and get it.