Jennings: Baravelli, I've got a proposition for you.
Professor Wagstaff: Watch yourself, Baravelli. He's almost as crooked as you are.
Professor Wagstaff: Baravelli, you've got the brain of a four-year old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
Professor Wagstaff: You know, this is the first time I've been out in a canoe since I saw the American Tragedy?
Connie: Oh, you're perfectly safe, Professor.
Professor Wagstaff: I don't know. I was gonna get a flat bottom, but the girl at the boat house didn't have one.
Professor Wagstaff: I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up.
Frank: There's nothing wrong between me and the college widow.
Professor Wagstaff: There isn't, huh? Then you're crazy to fool around with her.
Professor Wagstaff: Who was that?
Connie: The iceman.
Professor Wagstaff: Is that so? Well, you can't pull the wool over my ice.
Connie: Oh.
Professor Wagstaff: That iceman stuff leaves me cold. And if I leave you cold, I'm not the man I used to be.
Professor Wagstaff: You're heading for a breakdown, why don't you pull yourself to pieces?
Jennings: If this is a singing lesson I'm a ring-tailed monkey.
Professor Wagstaff: This is a singing lesson, and keep your family out of it.
Professor Wagstaff: Why don't you go home to your wife? I'll tell you what, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement she'll never know the difference.
Frank: Anything further, Father?
Professor Wagstaff: Anything further, Father? That can't be right. Isn't it anything farther, further?
Professor Wagstaff: What's all this talk I hear about you fooling around with the college widow? No wonder you can't get out of college. Twelve years in one college! I went to three colleges in twelve years and fooled around with three college widows. When I was your age I went to bed right after supper. Sometimes I went to bed before supper. Sometimes I went without my supper and I didn't go to bed at all. A college widow stood for something in those days. In fact she stood for plenty.
Professor Wagstaff: Listen, madame, you've gotta give my son up.
Connie: Give him up?
Professor Wagstaff: You can't take him from me. He's all I've got in the world except a picture of George Washington crossing the Delaware.
Connie: But, Professor, I.
Professor Wagstaff: Whatever you say is a lie. He's only a shell of his former self, which nobody can deny. Whoopee.
Connie: Oh.
Professor Wagstaff: I tell you, you're ruining that boy. You're ruining him. Why can't you do as much for me?
Baravelli: You gotta brother?
Mullen: No.
Baravelli: You gotta sister?
Mullen: Yeah.
Baravelli: Well-a, you sister, she's a very sick man, you better come with us.
Mullen: Yeah? What happened to her?
Baravelli: She hadda accident in her automobile.
McCarthy: Ah, she has no automobile.
Baravelli: Well-a, maybe she's-a fall off-a horse. I don't-a look very close. Come on, we take you in our car.
Mullen: You will, eh? Well, I have no sister.
Baravelli: That's all right. We no gotta car. Come on.
Retiring President: Professor Wagstaff, now that you have stepped into my shoes.
Professor Wagstaff: Oh, is that what I stepped in? I wondered what it was. If these are your shoes, the least you can do is have 'em cleaned.
Baravelli: Oh, Professor, I no see you. What are you doing here?
Professor Wagstaff: Nothing, right now. But, I was doing all right until you came in.
Connie: Oh, so you know the Professor.
Baravelli: Sure. He put me in business. He got me on the football team.
Professor Wagstaff: Now all's I gotta do is get him off the couch.
Retiring President: Eh, by the way, professor, there is no smoking.
Professor Wagstaff: That's what you say.
Retiring President: It would please the faculty if you threw your cigar away.
Professor Wagstaff: The faculty members might as well keep their seats. There'll be no diving for this cigar.
Professor Wagstaff: My boy, get in there and play like you did in the last game. I've got five dollars bet on the other team.
Professor Wagstaff: In case I never see you again, which would add ten years to my life, what would you fellas want to play football?
Baravelli: Well, first we want a football.
Professor Wagstaff: Well, I don't know if we've got a football, but if I can find one, would you be interested? I don't want a hasty answer, just sleep on it.
Baravelli: I no think I can sleep on a football.
Jennings: I want to talk to Baravelli. Now, you wouldn't mind stepping out, would you?
Professor Wagstaff: Well, I'd love to step out, but, I'd have to see the girl first.
