Horse Feathers
Movie Quote Quiz

Retiring President: Eh, by the way, professor, there is no smoking.
Professor Wagstaff: That's what you say.
Retiring President: It would please the faculty if you threw your cigar away.
Professor Wagstaff: The faculty members might as well keep their seats. There'll be no diving for this cigar.

Frank: There's nothing wrong between me and the college widow.
Professor Wagstaff: There isn't, huh? Then you're crazy to fool around with her.

Professor Wagstaff: Oh, I love sitting on your lap. I could sit here all day if you didn't stand up.

Baravelli: Oh, Professor, I no see you. What are you doing here?
Professor Wagstaff: Nothing, right now. But, I was doing all right until you came in.
Connie: Oh, so you know the Professor.
Baravelli: Sure. He put me in business. He got me on the football team.
Professor Wagstaff: Now all's I gotta do is get him off the couch.

Professor Wagstaff: I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up.

Professor: The trustees have a few suggestions they would like to submit to you.
Professor Wagstaff: I think you know what the trustees can do with their suggestions.

Jennings: Baravelli, I've got a proposition for you.
Professor Wagstaff: Watch yourself, Baravelli. He's almost as crooked as you are.

Baravelli: Well, that's the last time we deliver ice unless you pay the bill.
Professor Wagstaff: How much do we owe you?
Baravelli: Two thousand dollars.
Professor Wagstaff: Two thousand dollars for ice? I can get an Eskimo for two hundred dollars and make my own ice.

Frank: Dad, let me congratulate you. I'm proud to be your son.
Professor Wagstaff: My boy, you took the words right out of my mouth. I'm ashamed to be your father. You're a disgrace to our family name of Wagstaff, if such a thing is possible.

Baravelli: You gotta brother?
Mullen: No.
Baravelli: You gotta sister?
Mullen: Yeah.
Baravelli: Well-a, you sister, she's a very sick man, you better come with us.
Mullen: Yeah? What happened to her?
Baravelli: She hadda accident in her automobile.
McCarthy: Ah, she has no automobile.
Baravelli: Well-a, maybe she's-a fall off-a horse. I don't-a look very close. Come on, we take you in our car.
Mullen: You will, eh? Well, I have no sister.
Baravelli: That's all right. We no gotta car. Come on.

Professor Wagstaff: You know, this is the first time I've been out in a canoe since I saw the American Tragedy?
Connie: Oh, you're perfectly safe, Professor.
Professor Wagstaff: I don't know. I was gonna get a flat bottom, but the girl at the boat house didn't have one.

Professor Wagstaff: So! I caught you at last. Then you are fooling around with this woman. Oh, the shame of it! That I should live to see a son of mine try to take a dame away from his father.
Frank: Dad, I can.
Professor Wagstaff: Enough of this. You leave here immediately and I'll stay here and settle with this woman. And as soon as we're settled, we'll have you over for dinner. On second thought, I'll go with you. Come, follow me.

Professor Wagstaff: Listen, madame, you've gotta give my son up.
Connie: Give him up?
Professor Wagstaff: You can't take him from me. He's all I've got in the world except a picture of George Washington crossing the Delaware.
Connie: But, Professor, I.
Professor Wagstaff: Whatever you say is a lie. He's only a shell of his former self, which nobody can deny. Whoopee.
Connie: Oh.
Professor Wagstaff: I tell you, you're ruining that boy. You're ruining him. Why can't you do as much for me?

Professor Wagstaff: Baravelli, you've got the brain of a four-year old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Biology Professor: Here is the liver.
Professor Wagstaff: What, no bacon? I'd send that back if I were you.

Professor Wagstaff: What's all this talk I hear about you fooling around with the college widow? No wonder you can't get out of college. Twelve years in one college! I went to three colleges in twelve years and fooled around with three college widows. When I was your age I went to bed right after supper. Sometimes I went to bed before supper. Sometimes I went without my supper and I didn't go to bed at all. A college widow stood for something in those days. In fact she stood for plenty.

Jennings: Now look, all you've got to do is to get to Professor Wagstaff. He's got the Huxley signals and I'm depending on you to get them here before the game.
Connie: Yes, but how?
Jennings: You know how! Romance him, baby. Romance him. And remember, all you're to get is football signals.

Frank: Anything further, Father?
Professor Wagstaff: Anything further, Father? That can't be right. Isn't it anything farther, further?

Connie: Oh, Professor, you're full of whimsy.
Professor Wagstaff: Can you notice it from there? I'm always that way after I eat radishes.

Professor Wagstaff: Why don't you go home to your wife? I'll tell you what, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement she'll never know the difference.

Continuity mistake: Groucho plays 'Everyone Says I Love You' in a boat, and he is playing a solid-body acoustic/electric guitar. At the end of the song, he throws the guitar into the pond, but it has become a regular hollow-body acoustic.

More mistakes in Horse Feathers
More movie quotes

Join the mailing list

Separate from membership, this is to get updates about mistakes in recent releases. Addresses are not passed on to any third party, and are used solely for direct communication from this site. You can unsubscribe at any time.

Check out the mistake & trivia books, on Kindle and in paperback.