Jennings: Baravelli, I've got a proposition for you.
Professor Wagstaff: Watch yourself, Baravelli. He's almost as crooked as you are.
Frank: Dad, let me congratulate you. I'm proud to be your son.
Professor Wagstaff: My boy, you took the words right out of my mouth. I'm ashamed to be your father. You're a disgrace to our family name of Wagstaff, if such a thing is possible.
Baravelli: You gotta brother?
Baravelli: You gotta sister?
Baravelli: Well-a, you sister, she's a very sick man, you better come with us.
Mullen: Yeah? What happened to her?
Baravelli: She hadda accident in her automobile.
McCarthy: Ah, she has no automobile.
Baravelli: Well-a, maybe she's-a fall off-a horse. I don't-a look very close. Come on, we take you in our car.
Mullen: You will, eh? Well, I have no sister.
Baravelli: That's all right. We no gotta car. Come on.
Professor Wagstaff: You know, this is the first time I've been out in a canoe since I saw the American Tragedy?
Connie: Oh, you're perfectly safe, Professor.
Professor Wagstaff: I don't know. I was gonna get a flat bottom, but the girl at the boat house didn't have one.
Professor Wagstaff: So! I caught you at last. Then you are fooling around with this woman. Oh, the shame of it! That I should live to see a son of mine try to take a dame away from his father.
Frank: Dad, I can.
Professor Wagstaff: Enough of this. You leave here immediately and I'll stay here and settle with this woman. And as soon as we're settled, we'll have you over for dinner. On second thought, I'll go with you. Come, follow me.
Professor Wagstaff: Listen, madame, you've gotta give my son up.
Connie: Give him up?
Professor Wagstaff: You can't take him from me. He's all I've got in the world except a picture of George Washington crossing the Delaware.
Connie: But, Professor, I.
Professor Wagstaff: Whatever you say is a lie. He's only a shell of his former self, which nobody can deny. Whoopee.
Professor Wagstaff: I tell you, you're ruining that boy. You're ruining him. Why can't you do as much for me?
Professor Wagstaff: Baravelli, you've got the brain of a four-year old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
Biology Professor: Here is the liver.
Professor Wagstaff: What, no bacon? I'd send that back if I were you.
Professor Wagstaff: What's all this talk I hear about you fooling around with the college widow? No wonder you can't get out of college. Twelve years in one college! I went to three colleges in twelve years and fooled around with three college widows. When I was your age I went to bed right after supper. Sometimes I went to bed before supper. Sometimes I went without my supper and I didn't go to bed at all. A college widow stood for something in those days. In fact she stood for plenty.
Jennings: Now look, all you've got to do is to get to Professor Wagstaff. He's got the Huxley signals and I'm depending on you to get them here before the game.
Connie: Yes, but how?
Jennings: You know how! Romance him, baby. Romance him. And remember, all you're to get is football signals.
Frank: Anything further, Father?
Professor Wagstaff: Anything further, Father? That can't be right. Isn't it anything farther, further?
Connie: Oh, Professor, you're full of whimsy.
Professor Wagstaff: Can you notice it from there? I'm always that way after I eat radishes.
Professor Wagstaff: Why don't you go home to your wife? I'll tell you what, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement she'll never know the difference.
Jennings: I want to talk to Baravelli. Now, you wouldn't mind stepping out, would you?
Professor Wagstaff: Well, I'd love to step out, but, I'd have to see the girl first.
Jennings: If this is a singing lesson I'm a ring-tailed monkey.
Professor Wagstaff: This is a singing lesson, and keep your family out of it.
Professor Wagstaff: In case I never see you again, which would add ten years to my life, what would you fellas want to play football?
Baravelli: Well, first we want a football.
Professor Wagstaff: Well, I don't know if we've got a football, but if I can find one, would you be interested? I don't want a hasty answer, just sleep on it.
Baravelli: I no think I can sleep on a football.
Professor Wagstaff: You're heading for a breakdown, why don't you pull yourself to pieces?
Retiring President: Professor Wagstaff, now that you have stepped into my shoes.
Professor Wagstaff: Oh, is that what I stepped in? I wondered what it was. If these are your shoes, the least you can do is have 'em cleaned.
Professor Wagstaff: My boy, get in there and play like you did in the last game. I've got five dollars bet on the other team.