Ashley Parker: Mom, I am not you! I'm not gonna get pregnant at 16. I'm not gonna stay here for the rest of my life and be a trailer trash sheriff.
Sheriff Sam Parker: Thanks for the flashback. I really didn't deserve that.
Chris McCormick: I got a signal.
Harlan: That's great. Now, how about dialing.
Deputy Pete: They're not aliens, they're spiders mutated by contaminated waste.
Harlan: That's probably a more logical explanation.
Larry: Dude, did you piss your pants?
Bret: Come on, we got to go! We got to get out of here! They're coming.
Randy: Looks like the only thing going is you, dude.
Harlan: That's the one who busted up my trailer.
Chris McCormick: Shh.
Harlan: I bet you he's their leader.
Harlan: Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean people aren't following me.
Mike: Mom, are you there?
Sheriff Sam Parker: Yea, Mike. Is everything okay?
Mike: Don't make any movements or noises. There's a giant tarantula headed your way.
Sheriff Sam Parker: Copy that.
Randy: She is the sexist sheriff in the whole country.
Mike: Take these, you'll need them.
Chris McCormick: Perfume?
Mike: Well, spiders have a highly developed sense of smell. The perfume might confuse them.
Harlan: Great, if we die, we die smelling nice.
Joshua's Parrot: I see dead people, I see dead people.
Joshua: He likes that movie, dunno why.
Mike: No one's going to believe me, cause I'm a kid, and they never listen to kids.
Harlan: There's no way you're telling me that thing back there is from Earth.
Chris McCormick: All right! They're spiders from Mars! You happy?
Sheriff Sam Parker: So you're trying to tell me that a giant spider ate Gladys?