Mauricio: Shallow Hal wants a gal.
Jill: Hal... I'm not attracted to you.
Hal: So what? What, you think that everyone who goes out are always attracted to each other? Get real.
Mauricio: You can't come back with a comeback after eight seconds. You got three seconds. Five, tops. It's called a quip, not a sloooowwwwp.
Mauricio: You Had Me At "Get Lost."
Jen: Hal, we all know you're as deep as a puddle but this just flat out sucks.
Artie: If you had one ounce of integrity left, you would break it off immediately... before you hurt the poor girl.
Mauricio: Hey Hal, come look at this turd! It looks like Klinger from M.A.S.H..
Doctor: Reverend Larson? Your son is here.
Reverend Larson: Ok, sure. Send her in.
Mauricio: She's got cankles.
Tony Robbins: Inner beauty's the easiest thing in the world to see when you're looking for it... The brain sees what the heart wants it to feel.