Shallow Hal (2001)

Rosemary: Is that a Member's Only jacket?
Mauricio: Yes.
Rosemary: So what are you, the last member?

Mauricio: Shallow Hal wants a gal.

Jill: Hal... I'm not attracted to you.
Hal: So what? What, you think that everyone who goes out are always attracted to each other? Get real.

Hal: And Vicki?
Mauricio: Who?
Hal: Vicki.
Mauricio: Who's Vicki?
Hal: Vicki. Vicki, with the short brown hair.
Mauricio: Vicki? I thought that was a guy! I was calling her Vic.

Walt: Don't you read the business section?
Hal: Why, what's up?
Walt: I just sold my company to Microsoft.
Hal: Yeah, you cleaned up?
Walt: Let's just say if I had an ass, I'd wipe it with twenties.

Mauricio: You can't come back with a comeback after eight seconds. You got three seconds. Five, tops. It's called a quip, not a sloooowwwwp.

Mauricio: You Had Me At "Get Lost."

Mauricio: The point is, lately the only women he wants are ugly.
Tony Robbins: Who says they're ugly?
Mauricio: Bausch and Lomb. And very fat, some of them. It's like Hal has lowered his whole...Jesus, you've got a big noggin.
Tony Robbins: Thanks for noticing. I have a new book out, it's got a chapter on blurting. You might wanna pick it up.

Bishop73

Doctor: Reverend Larson? Your son is here.
Reverend Larson: Ok, sure. Send her in.

Mauricio: She's got cankles.

Hal: Hey, if you can see something and hear it and smell it, what keeps it from being real?
Mauricio: Third Party Perspective.

Jen: Hal, we all know you're as deep as a puddle but this just flat out sucks.
Artie: If you had one ounce of integrity left, you would break it off immediately... before you hurt the poor girl.

Mauricio: Hey Hal, come look at this turd! It looks like Klinger from M.A.S.H..

Hal: I bet on horses sometimes, but I don't really care about the money.
Rosemary: I never read that book.
Hal: What book?
Rosemary: Things losers say.

Tony Robbins: Inner beauty's the easiest thing in the world to see when you're looking for it... The brain sees what the heart wants it to feel.