Quotes from Justin Bartha movies and TV shows

Tripp: It's over. She gotta go.
Ace: You're dumping Paula?
Demo: What happened?
Tripp: Same thing that always happens. Everything is going along nice and smooth, we're having a good time, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere - whoap! - she gets serious. I hate to say it, boys, but it is time to take the girl home.

Brian: She's like the ones at the Baywatch. They make my penis sneeze.
Larry Gigli: You got a good sense of humor, you know that?
Brian: God bless you.
Larry Gigli: Thank you.
Brian: No, not you, stupid. When my penis sneezes, I say, 'God bless you'... God bless you, penis.

Phil: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm actually jealous of you. I mean Lauren is an angel.
Doug: Yeah, she really is amazing.
Stu: Ah, you guys are sweet.
Phil: Not big breasts on her, but still a solid rack for an Asian.

Doug: I get it. I really do. It's just that Alan considers you to be one of his best friends.
Stu: I consider Alan to be insane.

Alan Garner: I shouldn't be here.
Doug Billings: Why is that, Alan?
Alan Garner: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... Or a Chuck E. Cheese.

Doug Billings: Tracy did mention we shouldn't let him gamble. Or drink too much.
Phil Wenneck: Jesus, he's like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.

Doug Billings: He was a bartender, and he didn't even come inside her
Stu Price: That's a good thing, she's afraid of semen.

Sid Garner: Don't let Alan drive, because there's something wrong with him.
Doug Billings: Understood.
Sid Garner: Oh, and Phil either. I don't like him.

Riley Poole: Who wants to go down the creepy tunnel inside the tomb first?

Riley Poole: Asuming Ben's theory is correct and my tracking model's accurate, we should be getting very close. But don't go by me, I broke a shoelace this morning. It's a bad omen.
Ian How: Should we turn around and go home?
Ben Gates: Or we could just pull over and throw him out here.
Riley Poole: Ha, ha, ha, okay.
Ben Gates: Well Riley, you're not missing that small, windowless cubicle we found you in are you?
Riley Poole: No, no. Absolutely not.

[Ben exhales sharply after unrolling the Declaration in Independence Hall.]
Riley Poole: What?
Ben Gates: It's just that... The last time this was here... It was being signed.

Cubs Fan ★

Mitch Wilkinson: We both know what has to happen here, Ben.
Ben Gates: One of us keeps the door open and stays behind.
Riley Poole: I vote Mitch!

Ben Gates: Someone else is after the treasure.
Riley Poole: Of course someone else is after it. It's the axiom of treasure hunting.

Abigal Chase: This is totally...
Riley Poole: Crazy? Hm. Because last time I checked, we pretty much make our living on crazy.

Sadie - age 9: Aram! Aram.
Frank Jr. - age 7: Mom is dead.
Aram Finklestein: What?
Frank Jr. - age 7: Come on.
Aram Finklestein: She's not dead.
Sadie - age 9: Could be post-mortem twitch.

Lateefah: Aram, I know you took some women's studies courses in college, but other than that, do you have any kind of experience that you think might've prepared you for this job?
Aram Finklestein: Uhh... I used to buy tampons for my mother.
Lateefah: You... will fit in perfectly.