Quotes from Janeane Garofalo movies and TV shows

Lucille: I'm not shooting for a "successful" relationship at this point, I'm just looking for something that will prevent me from throwing myself in front of a bus. I'm keeping my expectations very very low.

Vic Damico: This isn't your first time in a restaurant, is it?
Lucille: No, my ex-husband used to like to eat out, may he rest in peace.
Vic Damico: So he passed away?
Lucille: Not yet.

Liz: He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is small, and it's easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled.
Bethany: You're suggesting I need to get filled?
Liz: In more ways than one. You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane. You need a man, if only for ten minutes.
Bethany: It's been my experience that the average male is never a man. Not even for ten minutes in his entire lifespan.
Liz: That'a a bit militant. You thinking of joining the other side?
Bethany: Couldn't do it. Women are insane.
Liz: Then YOU need to go back to church and ask God for a third option.
Bethany: I think that God is dead.
Liz: The sign of a true Catholic.

Abby: We can love our pets, we just can't love our pets.

Abby: What are we discussing?
Brian: Well there's the issue of Hank, who's in a terrible state without you.

Abby: You forgot to say I love you because you're beautiful.
Brian: No, I didn't. I mean, she is. But that's not why I love her.

Noelle: Besides, he has this small personal habit that just drives me crazy.
Abby: What's that?
Noelle: He loves you.

Brian: Who are you? What is this? Is this some kind of weird game you two play for kicks, you take some guy and see how much you can screw him up.
Abby: No, it was a mistake.

Abby: Did you call me?
Roy: What?
Abby: I heard dumb bitch. I assumed you were talking to me.
Roy: I was talking to her.
Abby: Your name is dumb bitch TOO? No wonder I keep getting all of your mail! You know, we could be related. There are a lot of us dumb bitches here in LA.

Abby: OK. So say you meet one of these no sparks women, and you really take the time to get to know her and then you become intellectually stimulated by her. You just really enjoy her personality, thereby igniting all your lust and passion. Have you ever thought about that?
Brian: Are you going to eat that?

Beth: Well guys, we've made it to the end of the summer in one piece, except for a few campers who are lepers.

Gail: I hope you like shrimp cocktail, because I want you to be guests of honor at our wedding next week!
Beth: Well, I hope it's not jumbo shrimp, because I'm allergic to oxymorons.

Beth: Listen, Henry...
Henry: Please, call me Henry.
Beth: Okay, Henry it is.