House: [to Cameron.] I hired you because you look good. It's like having a nice piece of art in the lobby.
Quotes from Hugh Laurie movies and TV shows - page 2 of 4
House: I'm thinking I can convince Vogler it'll be more cost-efficient to keep all of them.
Dr. Wilson: You should be able to pull that off. Most billionaires aren't very good with numbers.
House: It will be more cost-efficient once I grab Cameron's ass, call Forman a spade, and Chase...well, I'll grab his ass too.
House: Fine. I'll ask one of my other friends.
Dr. Wilson: Huh?
House: What? Are you saying I've only got one friend?
Dr. Wilson: Who?
House: Kevin. In Bookkeeping.
Dr. Wilson: Okay, well first of all, his name is Carl.
House: I call him Kevin. It's his secret friendship club name.
Dr. Wilson: You really don't need to know everything about everybody.
House: I don't need to watch The O.C., but it makes me happy.
House: And what is the treatment for advanced ovarian cancer?
Dr. Foreman: Pine box.
Fidelity (aka: Truth or Consequences) - S1-E7
Dr. Foreman: Why are you riding on me?
House: It's what I do. Has it gotten worse lately?
Dr. Foreman: Yeah. Seems to me.
House: Really? Well, that rules out the race thing. You were just as black last week.
Dr. Foreman: You figure that anybody that gives a crap about people in Africa must be full of it?
House: Yes. There's an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends. And there's an evolutionary imperative why we don't give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn't function.
Dr. Foreman: Hmmm. So, the great humanitarian's as selfish as the rest of us.
House: Just not as honest about it.
Dr. Cameron: Could we talk about her health instead of her breasts?
House: Could be relevant. Come on Cameron, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Many women develop breasts.
Failure to Communicate - S2-E10
House: Did the MRI show anything?
Dr. Foreman: CT scan was negative.
House: CT? That's like short for MRI, right?
The Mistake - S2-E8
Stacy: If Chase screwed up so bad then why didn't you fire him?
House: He has great hair.
Dr. Cameron: He's not clotting properly; it looks like a mild case of DIC.
House: Well obviously not that mild. If this keeps up his hand is literally dead meat. His hand is connected to his arm; his arm is connected to... I'm not sure, but I bet it's important.
Dr. Cameron: Men should grow up.
House: Yeah. And dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not going to happen!
Dr. Cameron: I'll check into it.
Dr. Foreman: I'll make the call.
Dr. Chase: I'll keep the kid alive. For a while at least.
House: I'll have lunch.
Fidelity (aka: Truth or Consequences) - S1-E7
Dr. Wilson: I'm not gonna date a patient's daughter.
Dr. House: Very ethical. Of course, most married men would say they don't date at all.
House: Lift up your arms. You have a parasite.
Jill: Like a tapeworm or something?
House: Lie back and lift up your sweater. You can put your arms down.
Jill: Can you do anything about it?
House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states.
Jill: Illegal?
House: Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites...
Jill: Playdates...
House: [Showing her sonogram.] It has your eyes.
House: Her leg hurts after running six miles. Who knows, it could be anything!