Quotes from David Herman movies and TV shows

Michael Bolton: You haven't even been showing up for work, and you got to keep your job.
Peter Gibbons: Actually, I'm being promoted.

Michael Bolton: If we get caught, we're not going to white-collar resort prison. No, no, no. We're going to federal "pound me in the ass" prison.
Samir: I don't want to go to ANY prison!

Peter Gibbons: Before we go any further, all right, we have to swear to God, Allah, that nobody knows about this, all right? No family members, no girlfriends, nobody.
Samir: Of course.
Michael Bolton: Agreed
Lawrence: [Through the wall from the next door apartment.] Don't worry man. I won't tell anyone about this either.
Michael Bolton: Who the fuck is that?
Peter Gibbons: Uh, don't worry about him. He's cool.

[Discussing going to prison.]
Peter Gibbons: The most they would do is put us for a few months into a white-collar, minimum-security resort. You know, they have conjugal visits there?
Samir: They do?
Michael Bolton: Shit. I'm a free man and I haven't had a conjugal visit in six months.

Samir: No, not again. I... Why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam? I swear to God, one of these days, I just kick this piece of shit out the window.
Michael Bolton: You and me both, man. That thing is lucky I'm not armed.
Samir: Piece of shit.

Samir: No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It's not that hard: Samir Na-gheen-an-a-jar. Nagheenanajar.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, well at least your name isn't Michael Bolton.
Samir: You know there's nothing wrong with that name.
Michael Bolton: There was nothing wrong with it... Until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.
Samir: Hmm... Well why don't you just go by Mike instead of Michael?
Michael Bolton: No way. Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.

Peter Gibbons: What if we're still doin' this when we're 50?
Samir: It would be nice to have that kind of job security.
Peter Gibbons: Lumbergh's gonna have me work on Saturday. I can tell already. I'm gonna end up doin' it, because, uh... Because I'm a big pussy... Which is why I work at Initech to begin with.
Michael Bolton: Uh, yeah, well, I work at Initech and I don't consider myself a pussy, OK?
Samir: Yes, I am also not a pussy.

Michael Bolton: Peter, you're in deep shit. You were supposed to come in on Saturday. What were you doing?
Peter Gibbons: Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I thought it could be.