Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa
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Alan Partridge: You're like a big Geordie Anne Frank.

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Officer: Do you suffer from any nervous conditions, such as panic attacks?
Alan: Do I look like I suffer from panic attacks? I've had one panic attack, in a car wash. It was a perfect storm of no sleep, no wife, and angry brushes whirring towards me. By the time the giant hair dryer came on I was in the footwell.

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Pat: Do you like country music, Alan?
Alan: Can't say I do, Pat. It's just jilted spouses complaining whilst drunk. Also known as a date if you're over 40.

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Alan: She's a drunk racist. I'll tolerate one but not both.

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