Ted: I wouldn't want to make you explain what our relationship is to all those people. That would suck for you.
Becca: You smell like pine needles, and have a face like sunshine!
Lillian: Why can't you be happy for me and then go home and talk about me behind my back like a normal person?
Annie: You read my diary?
Brynn: At first I did not know it was your diary, I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.
Officer Nathan Rhodes: You're like the maid of dishonor.
Annie: This is the first time I've seen you look ugly, and that makes me happy!
Rhodes: If I wasn't a cop anymore, I would still go out with a gun and shoot people.
Rhodes: Do you want to tell a cop about it? We're just like priests except we would tell everybody afterwards.
Megan: I'm glad he's single because I'm going to climb that like a tree.
Ted: This is so awkward. I really want you to leave, but I don't know how to say it without sounding like a dick.
Helen's Stepson: I've seen better tennis playing in a tampon commercial.
