Dudley Moore: Is my entire contribution to this show going to consist of my humiliating myself?
Peter Cook: No, Dudley. We'll do that for you.
Dudley Moore: Thank you. I wouldn't want to be appreciated or anything.
Peter Cook: Well, we initially tried looking up to you, Dudley... but when we did, we invariably found ourselves looking down.
Peter Cook: Alcoholics need a drink first and last thing. I need oral sex and a cigarette. Which means I'm not an alcoholic.
Lin Chong: I'm not going to sleep with you.
Peter Cook: But you see it would enable me to distinguish you from the cleaner.
Dudley Moore: Why do you constantly belittle me?
Peter Cook: Dudley, I don't think it's possible to belittle a club-footed dwarf whose only talent is to play Chopsticks in the style of Debussy.
