Hollywood Ending (2002)

Val: You know, I would kill for this job, but the people I want to kill are the people offering me the job.

Val: I came to hold out an olive branch.
Tony Waxman: "An olive branch"? What is this, the Israeli parliament?

Ed: Look, I love Val. I love him. But with all due respect... he's a raving, incompetent psychotic.
Ellie: He's not incompetent.

Val: For me, the nicest thing about masturbation is afterward, the cuddling time.

Ellie: We didn't communicate.
Val: We had sex.
Ellie: Yes, we had sex. But we never talked.
Val: Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody in this bar. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

Val: For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.
Lori: From making love with you?

Val: Thank God the French exist.

Val: We once had a discussion about music and he threatened to push me down a flight of stairs.
Psychiatrist: What happened?
Val: It worked. He pushed me down a flight of stairs.

Val: I got the last plane out of Toronto. Hey, have you ever seen Canada? Now I know why there's no crime up there.

Val: You know, part of me wants it so badly.
Lori: And the other part?
Val: Also wants it. That's the problem.

Val: ...driving around his 1938 Vintage Roadster. If someone saw me in a vintage '38, they'd think I was Himmler.