Adrian Cronauer: You are in more dire need of a blowjob than any white man in history.
Adrian Cronauer: Goooooooood morning Vietnam! It's 0600 hours. What does the "O" stand for? O my God, it's early! Speaking of early, let's hear it for that Marty Lee Drywitz. Silky smooth sounds, making me sound like Peggy Lee...
Adrian Cronauer: You know, you're very beautiful. You're also very quiet. And I'm not used to girls being that quiet unless they're medicated. Normally I go out with girls who talk so much you could hook them up to a wind turbine and they could power a small New Hampshire town.
Farr: I said, 'Who brought in the fucking gook?"
Adrian: The khaki eclipse. I did. Hey, come on now. If you kick out the gooks, the next thing you have to kick out the chinks, the spics, the spooks, the kikes. Then all you have left in here is a couple of brain-dead rednecks, and what fun would that be?
Cronaur: Seeing as how the VP is such a VIP, shouldn't we keep the PC on the QT? Cause if it leaks to the VC, he could end up an MIA, and then we'd all be put on KP.
Adrian Cronauer: The Mississippi River broke through a protective dike today. What is a protective dike? Is it a large woman that says "Don't go near there! But Betty... Don't go near there! Don't go down by the river!" No, we can't say "dyke" on the air, we can't even say "lesbian" anymore, it's "women in comfortable shoes."
Edward Garlick: We got one letter from a man who thought that Hauk's comedy was "visionary and interesting." The other eleven hundred calls say that the man can't do comedy to save his dick! That's a direct quote, sir.
Adrian Cronauer: Goooooooood morning, Vietnam! Hey, this is not a test! This is rock and roll! Time to rock it from the Delta to the D.M.Z.!
Lt. Steven Hauk: Who do we have slated for live entertainment in November?
Dan 'The Man' Levitan: Well, we originally wanted Bob Hope, but it turns out he won't come.
Lt. Steven Hauk: Why not?
Edward Garlick: He doesn't play police actions, just wars. Bob likes a big room, sir.
Lt. Steven Hauk: That is not funny!
Private Abersold: How about if it escalated?
Lt. Steven Hauk: How about if what escalated?
Private Abersold: The Vietnam conflict.
Lt. Steven Hauk: The Vietnam conflict. We are not going to escalate a whole war just so we can book a big name comedian!