Adrian Cronauer: The Mississippi River broke through a protective dike today. What is a protective dike? Is it a large woman that says "Don't go near there! But Betty... Don't go near there! Don't go down by the river!" No, we can't say "dyke" on the air, we can't even say "lesbian" anymore, it's "women in comfortable shoes."
Farr: I said, 'Who brought in the fucking gook?"
Adrian: The khaki eclipse. I did. Hey, come on now. If you kick out the gooks, the next thing you have to kick out the chinks, the spics, the spooks, the kikes. Then all you have left in here is a couple of brain-dead rednecks, and what fun would that be?
Edward Garlick: We got one letter from a man who thought that Hauk's comedy was "visionary and interesting." The other eleven hundred calls say that the man can't do comedy to save his dick! That's a direct quote, sir.
Lt. Steven Hauk: Who do we have slated for live entertainment in November?
Dan 'The Man' Levitan: Well, we originally wanted Bob Hope, but it turns out he won't come.
Lt. Steven Hauk: Why not?
Edward Garlick: He doesn't play police actions, just wars. Bob likes a big room, sir.
Lt. Steven Hauk: That is not funny!
Private Abersold: How about if it escalated?
Lt. Steven Hauk: How about if what escalated?
Private Abersold: The Vietnam conflict.
Lt. Steven Hauk: The Vietnam conflict. We are not going to escalate a whole war just so we can book a big name comedian!