Withnail & I

Withnail & I (1987)

17 quotes

Withnail: Are you the farmer?
Marwood: Shut up, I'll deal with this.
Withnail: We've gone on holiday by mistake. We're in this cottage here. Are you the farmer?
Marwood: Stop saying that Withnail, of course he's the fucking farmer!

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Barman: Time, gents, please.
Withnail: Alright, we're going to have to work quickly. A pair of quadruple whiskies and another pair of pints, please.

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Withnail: Right, you fucker, I'm going to do the washing up!
Marwood: No, no, you can't. It's impossible, I swear it. I've looked into it. Listen to me, listen to me! There are things in there, there's a tea-bag growing! You haven't slept in sixty hours, you're in no state to tackle it. Wait till the morning, we'll go in together.
Withnail: This IS the morning. Stand aside!
Marwood: You don't understand. I think there may be something living in there, I think there may be something alive.
Withnail: What do you mean? a rat?
Marwood: It's possible, it's possible.
Withnail: Then the fucker will rue the day!

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Marwood: I've been called a ponce.
Withnail: What fucker said that?
Irishman: I called him a ponce. And now I'm calling you one, PONCE!
Withnail: Would you like a drink?
Irishman: What's your name, MacFuck?
Withnail: I have a heart condition. I have a heart condition, if you hit me it's murder.

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Withnail: We want the finest wines available to humanity. And we want them here, and we want them now!

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Withnail: I've some extremely distressing news.
Marwood: I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear anything. Oh God, it's a nightmare, I tell you, it's a nightmare.
Withnail: We just ran out of wine. What are we gonna do about it?
Marwood: I don't know, I don't know. Oh God, I don't feel good. My thumbs have gone weird! I'm in the middle of a bloody overdose! Oh God. My heart's beating like a fucked clock! I feel dreadful, I feel really dreadful!
Withnail: So do I, so does everybody. Look at my tongue, it's wearing a yellow sock. Sit down for Christ's sake, what's the matter with you? Eat some sugar.

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Danny: This pill's valued at two quid.
Withnail: Two quid? You're out of your mind.
Marwood: That's sense, Withnail.
Withnail: You can stuff it up your arse for nothing and fuck off while you're doing it!

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Withnail: SCRUBBERS!
Schoolgirl: Up yours, grandad!
Withnail: SCRUBBERS! SCRUBBERS!
Marwood: Shut up.
Withnail: Little tarts, they love it.

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Marwood: What happened to your cigar commercial?
Withnail: That's what I want to know! What happened to my cigar commercial? What happened to my agent? Bastard must have died.
Marwood: September. It's a bad patch.
Withnail: Rubbish. Haven't seen Gielgud down the labour exchange! Why doesn't he retire?

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Marwood: We're leaving in half an hour.
Withnail: Half an hour? Don't be ridiculous. I need at least an hour for lunch.

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Marwood: If my father was loaded I'd ask him for some money.
Withnail: If your father was my father you wouldn't get it.

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Withnail: I think a drink, don't you?
Marwood: What about the wellingtons?
Withnail: Oh, bollocks to the wellingtons. We'll tell him they had a farmers conference and had a run on them.

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Monty: I can never touch meat until it's cooked. As a youth I used to weep in butcher's shops.

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Withnail: I must have some booze. I demand to have some booze!

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Danny: The joint I'm about to roll requires a craftsman. It can utilise up to 12 skins. It is called a Camberwell Carrot.
Marwood: It's impossible to use 12 papers on one joint.
Danny: It's impossible to make a Camberwell Carrot with anything less.
Withnail: Who says it's a Camberwell Carrot?
Danny: I do. I invented it in Camberwell, and it looks like a carrot.

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Uncle Monty: I adore you. Tell him if you must, I no longer care. I mean to have you even if it must be burglary.

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Withnail: I feel like a pig shat in my head.

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Mistakes

When Monty drives Withnail & I into Penrith the radish is on his left lapel. When they arrive in Penrith a few minutes later, the radish has mysteriously moved to his right lapel.

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Trivia

The bottle of lighter fluid Withnail drinks had been filled with water throughout rehearsals, but for the actual take was filled with vinegar, unbeknownst to Richard E. Grant, who plays Withnail. The director made the switch to get a good reaction from him.

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