Withnail & I (1987)

Withnail: Are you the farmer?
Marwood: Shut up, I'll deal with this.
Withnail: We've gone on holiday by mistake. We're in this cottage here. Are you the farmer?
Marwood: Stop saying that Withnail, of course he's the fucking farmer!

Marwood: I've been called a ponce.
Withnail: What fucker said that?
Irishman: I called him a ponce. And now I'm calling you one, PONCE!
Withnail: Would you like a drink?
Irishman: What's your name, MacFuck?
Withnail: I have a heart condition. I have a heart condition, if you hit me it's murder.

Barman: Time, gents, please.
Withnail: Alright, we're going to have to work quickly. A pair of quadruple whiskies and another pair of pints, please.

Withnail: Right, you fucker, I'm going to do the washing up!
Marwood: No, no, you can't. It's impossible, I swear it. I've looked into it. Listen to me, listen to me! There are things in there, there's a tea-bag growing! You haven't slept in sixty hours, you're in no state to tackle it. Wait till the morning, we'll go in together.
Withnail: This IS the morning. Stand aside!
Marwood: You don't understand. I think there may be something living in there, I think there may be something alive.
Withnail: What do you mean? a rat?
Marwood: It's possible, it's possible.
Withnail: Then the fucker will rue the day!

Withnail: I think a drink, don't you?
Marwood: What about the wellingtons?
Withnail: Oh, bollocks to the wellingtons. We'll tell him they had a farmers conference and had a run on them.

Withnail: We want the finest wines available to humanity. And we want them here, and we want them now!

Withnail: I've some extremely distressing news.
Marwood: I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear anything. Oh God, it's a nightmare, I tell you, it's a nightmare.
Withnail: We just ran out of wine. What are we gonna do about it?
Marwood: I don't know, I don't know. Oh God, I don't feel good. My thumbs have gone weird! I'm in the middle of a bloody overdose! Oh God. My heart's beating like a fucked clock! I feel dreadful, I feel really dreadful!
Withnail: So do I, so does everybody. Look at my tongue, it's wearing a yellow sock. Sit down for Christ's sake, what's the matter with you? Eat some sugar.

Danny: This pill's valued at two quid.
Withnail: Two quid? You're out of your mind.
Marwood: That's sense, Withnail.
Withnail: You can stuff it up your arse for nothing and fuck off while you're doing it!

Withnail: SCRUBBERS!
Schoolgirl: Up yours, grandad!
Withnail: SCRUBBERS! SCRUBBERS!
Marwood: Shut up.
Withnail: Little tarts, they love it.

Marwood: What happened to your cigar commercial?
Withnail: That's what I want to know! What happened to my cigar commercial? What happened to my agent? Bastard must have died.
Marwood: September. It's a bad patch.
Withnail: Rubbish. Haven't seen Gielgud down the labour exchange! Why doesn't he retire?

Marwood: We're leaving in half an hour.
Withnail: Half an hour? Don't be ridiculous. I need at least an hour for lunch.

Marwood: If my father was loaded I'd ask him for some money.
Withnail: If your father was my father you wouldn't get it.

Monty: I can never touch meat until it's cooked. As a youth I used to weep in butcher's shops.

Withnail: I must have some booze. I demand to have some booze!

Danny: The joint I'm about to roll requires a craftsman. It can utilise up to 12 skins. It is called a Camberwell Carrot.
Marwood: It's impossible to use 12 papers on one joint.
Danny: It's impossible to make a Camberwell Carrot with anything less.
Withnail: Who says it's a Camberwell Carrot?
Danny: I do. I invented it in Camberwell, and it looks like a carrot.

Uncle Monty: I adore you. Tell him if you must, I no longer care. I mean to have you even if it must be burglary.

Withnail: I feel like a pig shat in my head.