George Newman: You know what? Nobody in this small town appreciates a guy with a good imagination.
Bob: Well, maybe not the people at the lumber yard, or the miniature golf course, or Floyd's Fish Market, or any of the other places you worked in the last... Month.
Earl Ramsey: Gun control is for wimps and commies. Listen, let's get one thing straight. Guns don't kill people. I do.
Stanley Spadowski: Friends, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to look the potato of injustice right in the eye.
George Newman: You gotta grab life by the lips and YANK as hard as you can.
Raul Hernandez: For those of you just joining us, today we're teaching poodles how to fly.
Bob: I don't know about this, George. We don't know the first thing about what goes on in a television station.
George Newman: Don't worry, Bob. It's just like working in a fish-market. Except you don't have to clean and gut fish all day.
George Newman: Lesbian Nazi Hookers Abducted by UFOs and Forced Into Weight Loss Programs... All next week on Town Talk.
Crazy Ernie: If nobody comes down here and buys a car in the next hour, I'm gonna club this baby seal. That's right! I'm gonna club this seal to make a better deal. You know I'll do it, too, cause I'm crazy.
Bob: Well... I've got good news and bad news.
George Newman: Tell me the bad news first, get it over with.
Bob: The bad news is, at the rate things are going, my books predict that this station will be flat broke by the end of the month.
George Newman: OUCH! So, what's the good news?
Bob: I lied. There is no good news.