David Langley: I've given my life to art and from here on in, the only art I will get anywhere near are the pictures I draw on the pavement hoping passersby will throw nickels in my hat. I guess the long on the short of it: I wish I'd never been born.
Lt. Brutus: He's a genius, huh?
David Langley: That's what they tell me.
Lt. Brutus: Well, he looks like a fruitcake to me.
Lt. Brutus: Mr. Bean, are you presently on any kind of medication?
Mr. Bean: Not that I know of.
Lt. Brutus: You certainly could use some.
Kevin Langley: Hey, what's wrong with Meat Loaf's butt?
General Newton: I don't know the difference between Picasso and a car crash.
David Langley: Why am I worried about this? You did it! All I gotta do is go tell 'em what happened. But they'll say, "Who left him alone with the picture?" And I'll say, "Me." And they'll say, "You're fired" and I'll say, "Fine." They'll say, "No, no, no, firing's not good enough. Let's prosecute you for negligence." I go to jail, my wife leaves me, my daughter becomes a prostitute, I wind up on death row sharing a cell with Butch McDick.
Kevin Langley: I can't sleep. I can'e stop thinking about naked women. What about you?
Mr. Bean: Whistler's Mother.
Kevin Langley: Well, whatever turns you on.