Bean (1997)

Mr. Bean: Hello. I'm Dr. Bean, apparently. And and my job is to sit and look at paintings. So what have I learned that I can say about this painting? Well firstly it's quite big, which is excellent. Because if it was really small, you know, microscopic, then hardly anybody would be able to see it, which would be a tremendous shame! And secondly, and I'm getting quite near the end now of this analysis of this painting, secondly, why was it worth this man here spending fifty million of your American dollars on this portrait? And the answer is, well, this picture is worth such a lot of money because it's a picture of Whistler's mother. And as I've learned by staying with my best friend, David Langley and his family, families are very important. And even though Mr. Whistler was perfectly aware that his mother was a hideous old bat who looked like she had a cactus lodged up her backside, he stuck with her, and even took the time to paint this amazing picture of her.

Kevin Langley: Hey, what's wrong with Meat Loaf's butt?

General Newton: I don't know the difference between Picasso and a car crash.

David Langley: Why am I worried about this? You did it! All I gotta do is go tell 'em what happened. But they'll say, "Who left him alone with the picture?" And I'll say, "Me." And they'll say, "You're fired" and I'll say, "Fine." They'll say, "No, no, no, firing's not good enough. Let's prosecute you for negligence." I go to jail, my wife leaves me, my daughter becomes a prostitute, I wind up on death row sharing a cell with Butch McDick.

Kevin Langley: I can't sleep. I can'e stop thinking about naked women. What about you?
Mr. Bean: Whistler's Mother.
Kevin Langley: Well, whatever turns you on.

David Langley: I've given my life to art and from here on in, the only art I will get anywhere near are the pictures I draw on the pavement hoping passersby will throw nickels in my hat. I guess the long on the short of it: I wish I'd never been born.

Lt. Brutus: He's a genius, huh?
David Langley: That's what they tell me.
Lt. Brutus: Well, he looks like a fruitcake to me.

Lt. Brutus: Mr. Bean, are you presently on any kind of medication?
Mr. Bean: Not that I know of.
Lt. Brutus: You certainly could use some.