Rowan Atkinson (back to the R list / A list)

Blackadder: Right Baldrick, let's try again. This is called adding. If I have two beans and then I add two more beans, what do I have?

Baldrick: Some beans.

Blackadder: Yes...and no. Let's try again, shall we? I have two beans, then I add to more beans what does that make?

Baldrick: A very small casserole.

Blackadder: Baldrick, the ape creature of the Indus have mastered this. Now, try again. One, two, three, four! So how many are there?

Baldrick: Three

Blackadder: What.

Baldrick: (Pointing to one) And that one.

Blackadder: (Picking it up) Three and that one. So if I add that one to the three what will I have?

Baldrick: Ah! Some beans.

Blackadder: Yes. To you Baldrick, the rennaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?

[Blackadder is interrogating Darling trying to find a German spy]

Captain Darling: I'm as British as Queen Victoria!

Blackadder: So your father's German, you're half German and you married a German?

Blackadder: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war in Europe, two superblocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side, and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way there could never be a war.

Baldrick: But - this is a sort of a war, isn't it sir?

Blackadder: Yes that's right, you see there was a tiny flaw in the plan.

George: What was that sir?

Blackadder: It was bollocks.

Blackadder: It is strangely keeping in the manner of our courtship that your maid of honour should be a man.

Baldrick: Thank you very much, my lord.

Blackadder: I use the word 'man' in the broadest possible sense. For as we all know, God created man in his own image, and it would be a sad look out for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything like you, Baldrick.

Blackadder: The guns have stopped because we are about to attack. Not even our generals are mad enough to shell their own men. They feel it's more sporting to let the Germans do it.

Blackadder: A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, High Chief of all the Vikings, accidently ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside.

Baldrick: I have a plan, sir.

Blackadder: Really, Baldrick, a cunning and subtle one?

Baldrick: Yes, sir.

Blackadder: As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?

Blackadder: He's about as effective as a cat flap in an elephant house.

General Melchett: Well, of course they are, Blackadder - directed according to the Grand Plan.

Blackadder: Would that be the plan to continue with total slaughter until every-one's dead except Field Marshal Haig, Lady Haig and their tortoise, Alan?

General Melchett: Great Scott! Even you know it! Guard! Guard! Bolt all the doors; hammer large pieces of crooked wood against all the windows! This security leak is far worse than we'd imagined!

George: Oh, sir, just one thing - if we should happen to tread on a mine, what do we do?

Blackadder: Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.

Lorna Campbell: You obviously haven't met our host, Pascal Sauvage.

Johnny English: Oh! Thank God! You know, I think I'd rather have my bottom impaled on a giant cactus than exchange pleasantries with that jacked up Frenchman. In my opinion, the only thing the French should be allowed to host is an invasion.

Johnny English: All right, so I was wrong about the Archbishop's bottom.

Lorna Campbell: What are you going to do? Sit in this grotty flat feeling sorry for yourself, or are you going to get out there and save your country?

Johnny English: I'm going to sit in the flat.

Johnny English: A good agent doesn't need gadgets. The only gadgets I've ever needed are a sharp eye, sensitive hearing and a whole bunch of bigger brains.

Johnny English: Look pull yourself together, it's only a bit of poo.

Bough: Are you all right, sir?

Johnny English: Yes, I landed on something quite soft.

Bough: That was me, sir.

Johnny English: Ah. Good.

Johnny English: Do you or do you not have tattooed on your bottom the words "Jesus is coming, look busy"?

Archbishop of Canterbury: Are you insane?

Johnny English: Well, let's find out, shall we?

Bough: Shall we call for back-up sir?

Johnny English: What? And watch some fat-bottomed bobby make our arrest for us? I don't think so.

Enrico Pollini: Am I too late-a? Look I won a coin, a gold coin-a, isn't it wonderful? Look at this room, what a beautiful room, have you seen this room?

Randy Pear: Yes! We're IN it.