Blackadder (1986) - 66 quotes

Sense and Senility (series 3)

Baldrick: My Uncle Baldrick was in a play once.

Blackadder: Really?

Baldrick: Yeah. It was called Macbeth.

Blackadder: And what did he play?

Baldrick: Second codpiece. Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.

Blackadder: So, he was a stunt codpiece.

Baldrick: Yeah, that's right.

Blackadder: Did he have a large part?

Baldrick: Depends who was playing Macbeth.

Plan B: Corporal Punishment (series 4)

[Baldrick is called to the stand to defend Blackadder.]

Blackadder: Deny everything, Baldrick.

Lieutenant George: Are you Private Baldrick?

Baldrick: No.

Lieutenant George: But you are Captain Blackadder's batman?

Baldrick: No.

Lieutenant George: Come on, Baldrick. Be a little more helpful. It's me.

Baldrick: No, it isn't.

Beer (series 2)

Blackadder: Is the turnip ready for the turnip surprise?

[Lord Percy and Baldrick start snickering.]

Baldrick: Yes it is, my lord.

Blackadder: Then what is so funny?

Lord Percy: While preparing the turnip surprise, we had a surprise. We came across a turnip that was exactly the same shape as a thingy.

Blackadder: Oh, really?

Lord Percy: It was a great big thingy.

Baldrick: I found it particularly ironic my lord, because I've got a thingy shaped like a turnip.

The Witchsmeller Pursuivant (series 1)

Witchsmeller: The suspect has his head placed upon a block, and an axe aimed at his neck. If the man is guilty, the axe will bounce off his neck — so we burn him. If the man is not guilty, the axe will simply slice his head off.

The Black Seal (series 1)

Edmund: He murdered his whole family!

Pete: Who didn't? I certainly killed mine.

Wilfred: And I killed mine.

Friar: And I killed yours.

Sean: Did you?

Friar: Yes.

Sean: Good on you, Father.

The Foretelling (series 1)

Percy: It will be a great day tomorrow for we nobles.

Edmund: Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces. My arms will end up at Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up in a tree somewhere in Rutland.

Nob and Nobility (series 3)

Blackadder: Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words "I have a cunning plan" marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?

Baldrick: They certainly are, sir!

Blackadder: Well, forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy. Your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?

Baldrick: We do nothing.

Blackadder: Yup, it's another world-beater.

Baldrick: No, wait. We do nothing ... until our heads have actually been cut off.

Blackadder: And then we ... spring into action?

Beer (series 2)

Blackadder: You're fired.

Baldrick: But I've been in your family since 1532!

Blackadder: So has syphilis, now get out.

Potato (series 2)

[Not having a present for Melchett, Blackadder offers a bottle of Baldrick's urine.]

Blackadder: There was one thing ma'am, a fine wine from the far east. A most delicious beverage.

Queenie: Have a taste boys; tell us what you think.

Sir Walter: It certainly has plenty of nose.

Melchett: Oh yes, this is very familiar.

Blackadder: You'll be delighted to hear there's an inexhaustable supply of the stuff.

The Black Seal (series 1)

Blackadder: Percy, you are dismissed from my services.

Percy: Me? Why?

Blackadder: Because Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly. And the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a furry cod-piece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. THAT is why you are dismissed.

The Hawk: I return at last, after fifteen years.

Edmund: And what have you been up to?

The Hawk: Waiting, plotting, nurturing my hatred and planning my revenge.

Edmund: So, you've kept yourself busy?

Head (series 2)

Melchett: Grey, I suspect, your Majesty.

Queen Elizabeth: I think you'll find they were orange, Lord Melchett.

Melchett: Grey is more usual, Ma'am.

Queen Elizabeth: Who's Queen?

Melchett: As you say, Majesty. There were these magnificent orange elephants...

Amy and Amiability (series 3)

[Blackadder is writing a letter to Amy, as dictated by the Prince.]

Prince George: Tally ho, my fine, saucy young trollop. Your luck's in. Trip along here with all your cash and some naughty night attire, and you'll be staring at my bedroom ceiling from now till Christmas, you lucky tart. Yours with the deepest respect etc. Signed George. PS Woof, woof!

Blackadder: Ah, yes your highness...if I may change one small aspect?

Prince George: What?

Blackadder: The words?

[Blackadder tells Mr. Hardwood that the prince wants to marry his daughter Amy.]

Mr. Hardwood: Ah, ah... can it be true? Surely love has never crossed such boundaries of class?

Amy: But what about you and mum?

Mr. Hardwood: Yes, yes I grant thee when I first met her, I was the farmer's son and she was just the lass who ate the dung but that was an exception.

Amy: And Aunty Dot and Uncle Ted.

Mr: Hardwood: Yes alright he was a pig poker and she was the Duchess of Argyle but...

Amy: And Aunty Ruth and Uncle Isiah she was a milkmaid and he was...

Mr. Hardwood: The Pope! Yes, yes all right. Don't argue!

Plan E: General Hospital (series 4)

Blackadder: I only smoke cigarettes after making love, so back home in England I'm a twenty-a-day man.

Plan A: Captain Cook (series 4)

Blackadder: I smell something fishy, and I'm not talking about the contents of Baldrick's apple crumble.

Amy and Amiability (series 3)

Baldrick: I have a cunning plan to solve the problem.

Blackadder: Yes Baldrick. Let us not forget you tried to solve the problem of your mother's low ceiling by cutting off her head.

Blackadder: Oh God bills, bills, bills. One is born, one runs up bills, one dies. Honeslty Baldrick, sometimes I feel like a pelican - whichever way I turn, I've still got an enourmous bill in front of me.

Sense and Senility (series 3)

Blackadder: Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest, friendly companionship.

Baldrick: Thank you Mr. B.

Blackadder: But, as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore confine myself to saying simply sod off, and if I ever meet you again, it will be twenty billion years too soon.

Plan F: Goodbyeee (series 4)

Blackadder: [Describing Baldrick's poetry] It started badly, it tailed off a little in the middle and the less said about the end the better, but apart from that it was excellent.