Blackadder (1986) - 59 quotes

Beer (series 2)

Blackadder: You're fired.

Baldrick: But I've been in your family since 1532!

Blackadder: So has syphilis, now get out.

Potato (series 2)

[Not having a present for Melchett, Blackadder offers a bottle of Baldrick's urine.]

Blackadder: There was one thing ma'am, a fine wine from the far east. A most delicious beverage.

Queenie: Have a taste boys; tell us what you think.

Sir Walter: It certainly has plenty of nose.

Melchett: Oh yes, this is very familiar.

Blackadder: You'll be delighted to hear there's an inexhaustable supply of the stuff.

The Black Seal (series 1)

Blackadder: Percy, you are dismissed from my services.

Percy: Me? Why?

Blackadder: Because Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly. And the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a furry cod-piece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. THAT is why you are dismissed.

The Hawk: I return at last, after fifteen years.

Edmund: And what have you been up to?

The Hawk: Waiting, plotting, nurturing my hatred and planning my revenge.

Edmund: So, you've kept yourself busy?

Head (series 2)

Melchett: Grey, I suspect, your Majesty.

Queen Elizabeth: I think you'll find they were orange, Lord Melchett.

Melchett: Grey is more usual, Ma'am.

Queen Elizabeth: Who's Queen?

Melchett: As you say, Majesty. There were these magnificent orange elephants...

Amy and Amiability (series 3)

[Blackadder is writing a letter to Amy, as dictated by the Prince.]

Prince George: Tally ho, my fine, saucy young trollop. Your luck's in. Trip along here with all your cash and some naughty night attire, and you'll be staring at my bedroom ceiling from now till Christmas, you lucky tart. Yours with the deepest respect etc. Signed George. PS Woof, woof!

Blackadder: Ah, yes your highness...if I may change one small aspect?

Prince George: What?

Blackadder: The words?

[Blackadder tells Mr. Hardwood that the prince wants to marry his daughter Amy.]

Mr. Hardwood: Ah, ah... can it be true? Surely love has never crossed such boundaries of class?

Amy: But what about you and mum?

Mr. Hardwood: Yes, yes I grant thee when I first met her, I was the farmer's son and she was just the lass who ate the dung but that was an exception.

Amy: And Aunty Dot and Uncle Ted.

Mr: Hardwood: Yes alright he was a pig poker and she was the Duchess of Argyle but...

Amy: And Aunty Ruth and Uncle Isiah she was a milkmaid and he was...

Mr. Hardwood: The Pope! Yes, yes all right. Don't argue!

Plan E: General Hospital (series 4)

Blackadder: I only smoke cigarettes after making love, so back home in England I'm a twenty-a-day man.

Plan A: Captain Cook (series 4)

Blackadder: I smell something fishy, and I'm not talking about the contents of Baldrick's apple crumble.

Amy and Amiability (series 3)

Baldrick: I have a cunning plan to solve the problem.

Blackadder: Yes Baldrick. Let us not forget you tried to solve the problem of your mother's low ceiling by cutting off her head.

Blackadder: Oh God bills, bills, bills. One is born, one runs up bills, one dies. Honeslty Baldrick, sometimes I feel like a pelican - whichever way I turn, I've still got an enourmous bill in front of me.

Sense and Senility (series 3)

Blackadder: Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest, friendly companionship.

Baldrick: Thank you Mr. B.

Blackadder: But, as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore confine myself to saying simply sod off, and if I ever meet you again, it will be twenty billion years too soon.

Plan F: Goodbyeee (series 4)

Blackadder: [Describing Baldrick's poetry] It started badly, it tailed off a little in the middle and the less said about the end the better, but apart from that it was excellent.

George: The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire building.

Blackadder: George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe, while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganyika. I hardly think we can we can be entirely absolved from blame on the imperialistic front.

Blackadder: This is a crisis, a large crisis. In fact, if you've got a moment, it's a twelve-storey crisis with a magnificent entrance hall, carpeted throughout; twenty-four hour porterage and an enormous sign on the roof saying 'This is a Large Crisis'.

Plan E: General Hospital (series 4)

Baldrick: I don't like them doctors. If they start poking around inside me...

Blackadder: Baldrick, why would anyone wish to poke around inside you?

Baldrick: They might find me interesting.

Blackadder: I find the Great Northern and Metropolitan sewage system interesting, but that doesn't mean I want to put on some rubber gloves and pull things out of it with a pair of tweezers.

Baldrick: Oh no, I hate hostipals! My grandad went into one, and when he came out he was dead!

Blackadder: He was also dead when he went in, Baldrick. He'd been run over by a traction engine.

Darling: A German spy is giving away every one of our battle plans.

Melchett: You look surprised, Blackadder.

Blackadder: I certainly am sir. I didn't realize we had any battle plans.

Melchett: Of course we've got plans! How else do you think our battles are directed?

Blackadder: Our battles are directed, sir?

Melchett: Of course they are. Directed accoring to the grand plan.

Blackadder: Oh I see. And would that be the plan to continue with total slaughter until everybody's dead except Field Marshal Haig, Lady Haig, and their tortoise, Alan?

Plan A: Captain Cook (series 4)

Melchett: Now, Field Marshal Haig has formulated a brilliant tactical plan to ensure final victory in the field

Blackadder: Would this brilliant plan involve us climbing over the top of our trenches and walking, very slowly towards the enemy?

Darling: How did you know that Blackadder? It's classified information

Blackadder: It's the same plan we used last time, and the seventeen times before that

Melchett: E-e-exactly! And that is what is so brilliant about it. It will catch the watchful Hun totally off guard. Doing exactly what we've done eighteen times before will be the last thing they expect us to do this time.

[George is preparing to paint Blackadder]

Blackadder: Right, you ready?

George: Yes, if you just want to pop your clothes on the stool

Blackadder: I'm sorry?

George: Just pop your clothes on the stool over there

Blackadder: You mean... you want me... tackle out?

George: Well, I'd have thought so yes

Blackadder: If I can remind you of the realities of battle George, one of the first things everyone notices is that all the protagonists keep their clothes ON. Neither we nor the Hun favout fighting our battles au naturel...

George: It's artistic licence sir... it's the willing suspension of disbelief

Blackadder: Well I'm not having anyone staring in disbelief at my willy suspension!