Griffin Keyes: How long have you been able to talk?
Donald the Monkey: Let's see, today's Tuesday so... Always.
Sergeant Gerry Boyle: Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, these men are armed and dangerous, and you being an FBI agent you're more used to shooting at unarmed women and children...
FBI agent Wendell Everett: Oh, fuck you, Sergeant!
Dwayne: Sometimes fate pulls out its big ol' cock and slaps you right in the face.
Madea: Sit down you black leprechaun looking like you're out of a damn box of chocolate, lucky charms.
Thadeous: I shouldn't even be here! I will probably die on this quest, and Courtney definitely will!
Jesse Richter: When I'm about to kiss you, you'll know it.
Judy Moody: Can't, I'm busy on Tuesdays... from now, until always.
Mitch Planko: This is a calendar. It has a schedule of everything you need to do everyday. It is at least 15 hours in a day. This is a grocery store. People buy food here. If you are unsure, call your wife. Always make sure you call your wife first.
Becca: You smell like pine needles, and have a face like sunshine!
Steve: This is Germany, Father. They drive on the right. National dish: sausage.
Fozzie Bear: Wow, that was such an expensive looking explosion! I can't believe we had that in the budget.
Townsperson: Well, I know the Bible says Jesus turned water into wine, but it didn't say liquor store wine. It had to have been non-alcoholic wine, because it didn't have time to ferment.
Gil: I'm having trouble because I'm a Hollywood hack who never gave real literature a shot.
Mr. Popper: Hello! I have to send the penguins back.
Voice On Phone: Send-da-penguin?
Mr. Popper: Yes, send penguins.
Jake Adams: Well if I wasn't your first, at least I can be your last.
Ally Darling: Why? Are you going to rape and kill me?
Cecil Wilson: Well, this is obviously the panic room.
Rebecca Wilson: Why?
Cecil Wilson: 'Cause it's a room, and I'm panicking.