Chris: I can't hear you Samantha. I can't hear you. OH! Lightbulb.
Mike: You'll always be fat to me.
Samantha James: It's all right, I like other girls. Darla.
Mike: Yeah I slapped the ham to it about an hour ago.
Chris' Mom: What ham did you slap, honey? Not the one I just bought.
Samantha James: Wait a minute, am I being Punk'D? Oh my god! Ashton, you really got me! Ha Ha! Ashton! Ashton?
Samantha James: God, I wanna lick your skin off.
Chris: I'd prefer you didn't.
Samantha James: Whoopsie! I'm naked.
Chris: No, you have fun being the girl who peaked in high school.
Clark: How'd the big date go?
Chris: It was terrible. I went in for a kiss, but she wants a hug, okay? Then I get caught in a sort of kiss-hug limbo type thing. I don't know what that is, then I ended up shaking her entire body.
Clark: So you gave her a body shake?
Chris: Oh, God! I should've just kissed her! What am I doing?
Clark: It looks like you picked up right where you left off. You're back in the friend zone.
Samantha James: You and I are gonna be the greatest musical manager team since Jessica Simpson and her father only you and I get to "mreow" and they can't, 'cause it's illegal. I looked it up.
Chris: 'Simply Dusty'... is there no other kind?
Samantha James: But I'm not ready for a gig.
Chris: Of course you are.
Samantha James: No... no. No! This is a bad idea Chris.
Chris: God I am so stupid.
Samantha James: No you aren't baby.
Chris: Here I am trying to make you into an artist when you're just a pop bubblegum sensation. But that's okay. Paris, here we come.
Samantha James: But I am an artist... I am an artist... Hey! I am an artist.
Chris: Good. You ready to do this?
Samantha James: I was born ready bitch.
Chris: So that's why she went with Dusty. She wants a sensitive guy... more like the old me. Well, if she wants Mr. Rogers, then I'm going to show her the biggest pussy she's ever seen.
Chris: I can't compete with this guy.
Clark: You can't compete? Are you kidding? You're Chris Brander. You're Hollywood, you date models! He's Jersey, he skis in his jeans. It's Dinkleman. It's Dusty Dinkleman.
Clark: Dinkleman's going down.
Chris: Dinkleman is going way down.
Chris: Mom! I need my skates to show off my talents.