Maria: I look like a... slut.
Ariel Gustafson: But a very nice slut.
Max Goldman: If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.
Max: I am the gangster of love.
John: Gangster, huh? So tell me, was it more of a hold up than a stick up?
Max: Even your infantile penis jokes seem funny and witty this morning.
Maria: I haven't been with a man for a long time.
Max Goldman: Me neither.
Grandpa: I'm done.
John Gustafson: Pop, I really wish you'd try the low fat bacon.
Grandpa: Well you can wish in one hand and crap in the other, and see which gets filled first.
Grandpa: And then the Mama Bear said, "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed, too!" And finally, the Baby Bear looked and he said, "Somebody's sleeping in my bed, and the bastard's still there!" But Goldylocks had a Remington semi-automatic, with a scope and a hair-trigger.
Allie, Melanie's Daughter: That's not the way it goes.
Grandpa: And that was the end of the Three Bears.
John Gustafson: Pop, I wish you'd try the low-fat bacon.
Grandpa Gustafson: Well, you can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which gets filled first.