Hugh Laurie (back to the H list / L list)

Lord Flashheart: Always treat your kite like you treat your woman!

George: How do you mean, sir? Do you mean take her home at the weekend to meet your mother?

Lord Flashheart: No! Get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back!

Blackadder: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war in Europe, two superblocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side, and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way there could never be a war.

Baldrick: But - this is a sort of a war, isn't it sir?

Blackadder: Yes that's right, you see there was a tiny flaw in the plan.

George: What was that sir?

Blackadder: It was bollocks.

George: Oh, sir, just one thing - if we should happen to tread on a mine, what do we do?

Blackadder: Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.

George: You know what would cheer you up? A Charlie Chaplain film! Oh I love old chappers, don't you cap?

Blackadder: Unfortunately no, I don't. I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and then discovering there's a gas bill tied to it.

[George is preparing to paint Blackadder]

Blackadder: Right, you ready?

George: Yes, if you just want to pop your clothes on the stool

Blackadder: I'm sorry?

George: Just pop your clothes on the stool over there

Blackadder: You mean... you want me... tackle out?

George: Well, I'd have thought so yes

Blackadder: If I can remind you of the realities of battle George, one of the first things everyone notices is that all the protagonists keep their clothes ON. Neither we nor the Hun favout fighting our battles au naturel...

George: It's artistic licence sir... it's the willing suspension of disbelief

Blackadder: Well I'm not having anyone staring in disbelief at my willy suspension!

Dr. Cuddy: All this from falling off my roof.

House: Yeah, if only he'd fallen on his head. Then he wouldn't have any of these symptoms.

Dr. Foreman: You figure that anybody that gives a crap about people in Africa must be full of it?

House: Yes. There's an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends. And there's an evolutionary imperative why we don't give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn't function.

Dr. Foreman: Hmmm. So, the great humanitarian's as selfish as the rest of us.

House: Just not as honest about it.

Dr. Wilson: If you have the money then why did you need the loan?

House: I didn't. I just wanted to see if you'd give it to me. I've been borrowing increasing amounts ever since you lent me $40 a year ago. Ummm, a little experiment to see where you'd draw the line.

Dr. Wilson: You're...you're trying to objectively measure how much I value our friendship.

House: It's five grand – you got nothing to be ashamed of.

Dr. Wilson: Now, be a grown-up and either tell Mommy and Daddy you don't want to see them, or I'm picking you up at seven for dinner.

House: What do you mean? You just said...?

Dr. Wilson: I lied. I've been lying to you in increasing amounts ever since I told you you looked good unshaved a year ago. It's a little experiment, you know, to see where you'd draw the line.

Dr. Wilson: Is there a light somewhere that goes on when I have food?

House: Green for food, orange for beverages, red for impure thoughts. That bulb burns out every two weeks.

House: [to Cameron] I hired you because you look good. It's like having a nice piece of art in the lobby.