Homer to the Max (series 10)

Homer: From now on, there are three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.

Bart: Isn't that just the wrong way?

Homer: Yeah, but faster.

Across whole show

Homer: How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church, Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. [Makes sound effects and laughs.] Where was I? Oh yeah. Stay out of my booze.

Sideshow Bob: Urgh. Rakes, my arch-enemy.

Bart: I thought I was your arch-enemy.

Sideshow Bob: I have a life outside of you, Bart.

Bart the Genius (series 1)

Mrs. Krabappel: Now I don't want you to worry, class. These tests will have no effect on your grades. They merely determine your future social status and financial success. [She looks at Bart] If any.

There's No Disgrace Like Home (series 1)

Homer: Sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.

Marge: Well maybe we should move to a larger community.

The Front (series 4)

Teacher: Alright, here are your exams. 50 questions. True or false.

Homer: True.

Teacher: Homer, I was just describing the test.

Homer: True.

Teacher: Look, Homer, just take the test and you'll do fine.

Homer: False.

$pringfield (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) (series 5)

Bum: Got any spare change, man?

Grampa: Yes! And you ain't gettin' it! Everybody wants something for nothing. [He walks into the Social Security Office] I'm old! Gimme gimme gimme!

The Last Temptation of Homer (series 5)

Homer: Moe, I need your advice.

Moe: Yeah?

Homer: See I got this friend named...Joey Jo-Jo...Junior...Shabadoo -

Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.

[A man in the bar starts crying and runs out.]

Barney: Hey! Joey Jo-Jo!

Jaws Wired Shut (series 13)

[Homer is at Moe's Bar talking about when his jaw was broken.]

Homer: And when I couldn't talk, I learned to listen! You can learn so much if you just listen once in a while.

Lenny: Let's try it!

[They listen and hear Moe on the phone in a back room.]

Moe: Hello, uh, I'd like to arrange for an escort, please? TO WHERE? How about orgasm-ville, ya dumb - hey, hello? Hello?

The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons (series 9)

Apu: Okay, quickly, what is your favourite food, book and movie?

Manjula: The answer to all three is 'Fried Green Tomatoes'.

And Maggie Makes Three (series 6)

[Maggie is being born.]

Homer: Aw, it's a boy! And WHAT a boy!

Dr Hibbert: That's its umbilical cord. It's a girl.

Across whole show

Homer: Please, don't eat me! I have a wife and kids! Eat them!

Dog of Death (series 3)

Homer: He may have all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy!

Marge: What's that?

Homer: [Pauses] A dinosaur.

Across whole show

Lisa: Oedipus killed his father and married his mother.

Homer: Ehhh. Who pays for that wedding?

Marge: Homer, no! You'll kill us all!

Homer: Or die trying...

Tree House of Horror IV: The Simpson's Halloween Special IV (series 5)

[Homer runs naked through the kitchen, where Patty and Selma are eating.]

Patty: [after seeing Homer] There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.

Across whole show

Homer: Marge, can I get a duck?

Marge: You already have a monkey!

Homer: Can he get a duck?

Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Blood Feud (series 2)

[Homer goes to the post office to get a letter he accidentally sent to Mr Burns.]

Homer: [In an obviously fake voice.] Hello, my name is Mr Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.

Post Office Clerk: OK, Mr Burns, what's your first name?

Homer: I don't know.

The Canine Mutiny (series 8)

Comic Book Store Owner: Now make like my pants and split!