Cole: Phoebe, I love you. I don't know what's going on but maybe I can help. Would you like me to kill someone for you?
Doug Heffernan: Hey, Deac, let me ask you, do you think Carrie's gained weight?
Deacon Palmer: Say what?
Doug Heffernan: Carrie, my wife, do you think she's gained a little weight, a couple pounds, maybe?
Deacon Palmer: I don't know. Every time I see her she's blocked by you.
Kitty Forman: Oh good God, you kids switch partners more than square dancers!
Dr. John Becker: The world is full of idiots, and someone needs to point it out to them or they will never know.
Mary Carroll: Look at Anthony's hair. He looks like a little choir boy.
Jim Royle: He looks like a little gay boy.
Grace: My love for you is like this scar. Ugly, but permanent.
Pete: Berg, you can't sleep in my bed, people talk enough as it is. Go sleep on the couch.
Berg: I can't sleep on the couch. Last week I spilled milk on it and for some reason it smells bad.
Pete: So go sleep on the floor.
Berg: I can't sleep on the floor.
Pete: Why not?
Berg: For some reason there's a trail of ants leading to the couch.
Narrator: Mojo Jojo! Say it ain't so-so.
