Tim McInnerny (back to the T list / M list)

[Blackadder is interrogating Darling trying to find a German spy]

Captain Darling: I'm as British as Queen Victoria!

Blackadder: So your father's German, you're half German and you married a German?

General Melchett: Captain Blackadder?

Blackadder: Yes sir?

General Melchett: You are now head of Operation Winkle.

Blackadder: Thank you, sir.

General Melchett: Darling?

Captain Darling: Yes sir?

General Melchett: You are a complete arse.

Percy: Fashion today is towards the tiny.

Edmund: Well in that case Percy, you have the most fashionable brain in London.

Percy: Oh, come on Edmund. The greatest explorer of our age is coming home. The streets have never been so gay. Women are laughing, children are singing. Oh look, look, there's a man being indecently assaulted by nine foreign sailors and he's still got a smile on his face.

Percy: I must say Edmund, it was jolly nice of you to ask me to share your breakfast before the rigours of the day begin.

Blackadder: It is said, Percy, that civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God.

Percy: [Delighted] Yes, I'd heard that.

Blackadder: Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best.

Blackadder: Percy, you are dismissed from my services.

Percy: Me? Why?

Blackadder: Because Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly. And the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a furry cod-piece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. THAT is why you are dismissed.

Percy: It will be a great day tomorrow for we nobles.

Edmund: Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces. My arms will end up at Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up in a tree somewhere in Rutland.