Troy Dyer: I've wanted you like this for all these years.
Officer Sam 'Mad Dog' Shaw: Where you guys from, Texas?
Pepper: Texas? Ain't no real cowboys from Texas, we're from New Mexico.
Cliff Spab: I'd like to live forever... but only for a little while.
Bones: I've seen lots of camel toes before, but never on a camel.
Droz: Hi, is Sam in there?
Womynist #1: "In there"? What the hell's that supposed to mean?
Womynist #2: Yeah, cock-man-oppressor.
Droz: Why, thank you. Could you just tell her that Mr. Pokey stopped by.
Tania: He says they're not sleeping together. She only sucks him off.
Cheryl: Why?
Tania: Out of respect for me.
Nicole: Bitch.
Fred Flintstone: I'm only one man.
Barney Rubble: Not from the back.
Don Juan: There are only four questions of value in life, Don Octavio. What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same: only love.
"Mud": Dad! Just because I'm smart doesn't mean I can't act stupid.
Zach: If Mud's guilty I am too.
Gaby: Me too! I'm smart enough to act stupid.
Trish: Yeah and I'm stupid too! Well... you know what I mean.
Peter: This guy, by the way, could be the biggest loser who ever walked the face of the earth. He could be a grump, a jerk, a pervert, a cynic, a man who's mind is infested with dark thoughts, he could be a criminal... he could be... truly sick.
Clifford: You wouldn't lie to me, would you Uncle Martin? 'Cause if you did I'd be so angry I don't know what I'd do.
Horror: We are lusty, adventurous men.
Rube Baker: Hey, Cerrano. I'm on the rooster.
Joey Fingers: A bird in the hand is always greener than the grass under the other guy's bushes. It's a metaphor used by gardeners and landscaping people in general.
Bill: You got the wrong file. When have I ever been a teacher?
Beverly: Look, you've got a Masters degree, that means you can teach.
Bill: No it doesn't. No, it only means hypothetically that I could.
Beverly: Come on, Bill. Now it's a good job. Six weeks. A decent salary. And you get to live there.
Bill: Beverly, I...I'll get my head blown off. Do you know how many kids carry guns to school these days?
Beverly: In this case all of them. I guess you didn't get to the "where" part.
Uncle Joe: Would you mind going to the market, we're out of Oreos.
Molly: Well, we wouldn't be out of Oreos, would we, if someone hadn't sucked out all of the insides and tossed the rest away, you naughty boy.
Uncle Joe: I'm old and I'm rich. I can eat whatever parts I want. If I want to eat the goddamn box, I'll eat the goddamn box.
George Knox: You're Roger's mom?
Maggie Nelson: Nope.
George Knox: Aunt? Grandma?
Maggie Nelson: No, we're not related. This is a short-term foster care facility, I run it. Roger is a ward of the state.
George Knox: I see. So Roger, he's got a wild imagination? Always coming up with stories?
Maggie Nelson: No actually, he's very grounded. Truth is most kids who are taken away from their parents by the court system, have a good handle on reality.
Rudy Zolteck: That's it, I'm leaving the country. I'm moving to New Mexico.
Serge: Now, one thing's very important. At the survival boutiqua, I feel that it's my personality, that's it's my philosophy that everything must conform to the three P's, OK? Which is, protection. Prestige. And pretty. I mean, why should you look ugly if you're just trying to survive?