Chubbs: They said I would be the next Arnold Palmer.

Happy: So what happened?

Chubbs: They wouldn't let me on the pro tour anymore.

Happy: Oh I'm sorry, because you're black?

Chubbs: Hell no. Damn alligator bit my hand off!

Happy: Oh my God!

Orderly: All right, turn your hearing aids up. I got great news. We're extending arts & crafts by 4 hours today.

Elderly lady: My fingers hurt.

Orderly: What's that?

Elderly lady: My fingers hurt.

Orderly: Oh, well now your back's gonna hurt, cuz you just pulled landscaping duty. Anyone else's fingers hurt? Didn't think so.

Shooter McGavin: I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.

Happy Gilmore: You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?