Katie: Listen, Coop - last night was really great. You were incredibly romantic and heroic, no doubt about it. And that's great. But I've thought about it, and my thing is this: Andy is really hot. And don't get me wrong, you're cute too, but Andy is like, *cut*. From marble. He's gorgeous. He has this beautiful face and this incredible body, and I genuinely don't care that he's kinda lame. I don't even care that he cheats on me. And I like you more than I like Andy, Coop, but I'm 16. And maybe it'll be a different story when I'm ready to get married, but right now, I am entirely about sex. I just wanna get laid. I just wanna take him and grab him and fuck his brains out, ya know? So that's where my priorities are right now. Sex. Specifically with Andy and not with you.
Mary: Oh my God, you castrated him.
Osmosis Jones: You're gonna have to talk to my new partner, if he feels like hangin' around a little while.
Drix: But my work visa's expired.
Osmosis Jones: Well, we'll go down to the hemorrhoid and get you a good lawyer.
Carmen Naranjo: Do you know why we clink glasses before drinking?.. It's so that all the five senses are involved. We touch the glass. We smell the drink. We see its color. We taste it. Hearing is the only sense that doesn't participate unless we create it.
Uncle Jack: If he's cursing on TV, then, he's tight.
C.W.: This is a very smart burglar and you guys have trouble figuring out who did it when you get a confession.
Eric: Love may not make the world go round, but it makes the ride worth while.
Lance Barton: I got roaches. Who here got roaches?
Man in Audience: Everybody got roaches, man. It's Harlem.
Crutch: Lou, I swear, you mess with an engineer, you'll end up with a waste hose in your bunk.
Stan: There's been a PI at the shark pool.
Jordan: PI?
Stan: Puking incident. Some kid puked all over the shark pool. Anyway, I need you to clean it up for me right away. A.S.A.P.
Eddie: How can you be in love with someone and not even like them at the same time?
[Afer Max punches a hole in a wall.]
Max Prince: I wanna hit something else. Something big! Something expensive!
Milt Fields: There's a bank across the street, Max.
Phil Allen: A beauty is that, Shelley. A beauty.
Dr. Dolittle: You'll be the most famous bear in the world.
Archie: Bigger than Pooh?
Dr. Dolittle: If you get this right, everybody will be saying Winnie the Who.
Laughing Bull: Know this Swimming Bird: This blue eye percieves all things conjoined. The past, the future, and the present. Everything flows and all is connected. This eye is not merely seen reality. It is touching the truth. Open the eye of truth... There is nothing to fear.
Spike: Yea... I know what you mean.
Akash Malhotra: Dad, there is more to life than just signing checks.
Akash's father: Really... What is that?
Akash Malhotra: I don't know, but as soon as I do, you will be the first to know.
Gord Brody: I'm looking for a David Davidson.
Woman: I'm a woman.
Gord Brody: Did I ask what sex you are?
Woman: No.
Gord Brody: Did I ask if you were David Davidson?
Woman: My name is Cheryl.
Hoffman: Even if you play by the rules, nothing ever gets solved.
Amy Mandell: The primary difference between a man and a woman is that man gets his self-esteem when a woman says yes and a women gets hers when she says no.