Captain Thaddeus Harris: Not exactly a four star hotel, is it?
Lieutenant Talinsky: Well, we spend our police budget on fighting criminals, not on pampering out of town visitors.
Captain Thaddeus Harris: It was your government that brought us here.
Lieutenant Talinsky: They also bring in monkeys for zoo, but we don't put them in four star hotel either.
Johnny McFarley: Hey Peaches, want some ribs?
Darcy: He said you're a hard man. Just how hard are you, Mr. Jones?
David Sloan: Um... hard enough.
Rock Reilly: Get in the van!
Ed: I gotta ask this question, or I wouldn't be doing my job. Would you care to comment on the rumor that you, uh, arranged for an automobile to be purchased for Neon Bodeaux?
Coach Bell: You know [sighs]. You know, Ed, you've just gotta get your mind out of the gutter. You know, you just gotta to start thinking straight. I mean, it's right there in front of you. For christsake, it wasn't an automobile. I mean, it was a fully loaded Lexus.
W.E.: Family values have gone straight to hell.
Announcer: And now in his seventh All Star appearance, Isiah Thomas.
Alice Green: I'm waiting for my spanking.
Red Bean's Mother: You ate my chicken ass, now I'm going to eat your ass.
Paul: It's him, Danny. He's here.
Stephanie Kaplan: Give a man a hundred million dollars and you make a frustrated billionaire.
Ned Trent: Good. Nice sense of irony, blowing up the bomb unit. Ned, you may ask yourself, "Why is it my turn to die?" Ask God. He kills all the time. Why shouldn't I?
Raphael: Oh no, he's turning into that opera guy again.
Jack Hammond: That's the question on the minds of all your viewers? Whether I run out of gas or not? Tell you what, Jer. You let your viewers know that I hope Miss Voss' fear and my desperation are entertainment enough for them. After all, that is what this is all about, isn't it? The story. As it breaks. Live. Coming to you from the bad guy himself. I mean we wouldn't want your viewers to change the fucking channel, now, would we?
Peter Brackett: Where did you say you were from? Bitchville?
Carl: You know Ray, since your kid's moved in, the food's gotten better.
Claudette: I've told you, not to bother me before a show, or after a show. Or, at home in my bedroom, when I'm thinking about a show.
Jessie Crossman: People probably told you that Jessie Crossman was the only person skilled enough to jump from a 747.
Pete Nessip: Well, the actual phrase used was "dick brain."