Eddie Jillette: I know the secret to Heaven.
Joe Collins: Oh, yeah, what's that?
Eddie Jillette: A girl with freckles on her tits.
Buford 'Bubba' Brownlee: All this talking about eating is making me hungry.
Hercule Poirot: Have you ever noticed a secret passage that does not start in the library?
Motel philosopher: Remember, no matter what, it's better to be a live dog than a dead lion.
Gussie: We awe going to have a wawwy.
Honest John: A wawwy? What's a wawwy?
Gussie: You know. A wawwy. A wawge gathewing of mice fow a weason.
Honest John: Oh. A rally.
Gussie: That's what I said. A wawwy.
Lipton: I've really admired your stuff since 'Vermin From Venus.'.
Rollie Tyler: You saw that?
Lipton: Yeah.
Andy: That's the one that got him deported from Australia.
Capt. Proctor: Mahoney must think he's as dumb as we are.
Mitch: The park is mine.
Roberto: Very strange mother, my mother.
Kreon: My victims, walk in the land of the dead. They are all my children, and I am their ultimate lord.
Jenny Anderman: This isn't funny. Do you know what this is like? It's like when you read about, I don't know, Anne Frank or something and you say to yourself, Jesus why didn't they do something. The whole world is collapsing. They just sat around, life as usual, maybe it'll go away, but it never goes away it only gets worse and nobody thinks about the future. What's the matter?
Paul Stephens: Who's Anne Frank?
Arabella McGee: You're welcome, dildo-nose.
Hunt Stevenson: Now on these last few we might need to cut a few corners. Little things, like... Engines.
Sandy: I don't know if you're a detective or a pervert.
Jeffrey: Well, that's for me to know and you to find out.
Guilford: Tell me, did you see his chest?
Jane: Yes, it was marked.
Guilford: No, it wasn't. It was branded. A mark burnt into him with a red-hot iron.
Toymaster: Barnaby, what is it exactly that you want? Didn't Santa Claus bring you enough toys last Christmas?
Reporter: Is that a threat, your highness?
Grand Duke Cyril Romanov: No, it's an expression of intent.
William of Baskerville: She is already burnt flesh, Adso. Bernardo Gui has spoken: she is a witch.
Adso of Melk: But that's not true, and you know it.
William of Baskerville: I know. I also know that anyone who disputes the verdict of an Inquisitor is guilty of heresy.
Donna Mildred Martin: The only advice my Mom ever gave me was, "Don't live in the same city as your parents."
David Basner: What crappy advice. I can't get my parents to move.