The Germans (series 1)

Basil: Don't mention the war. I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right.

Basil: Is something wrong?

German guest: Will you please stop talking about the war?

Basil: Me? You started it.

German guest: We did not.

Basil: Yes you did, you invaded Poland.

Communication Problems (a.k.a. Theft) (series 2)

Mrs Richards: And another thing. I expect to be able to see the sea.

Basil: [whispering to Manuel] Deaf, Mad and Blind. [To Mrs Richards] Yes, this is the view as far as I can remember... yes, yes it is.

Mrs Richards: When I pay for a view, I expect something more interesting than that.

Basil: But that is Torquay, madam.

Mrs Richards: Well it's not good enough.

Basil: Well may I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically across the plain...

Mrs Richards: [interrupting] Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.

Basil: You CAN see the sea! It's over there between the land and the sky!

Mrs Richards: I'd need a telescope to see that.

Basil: Well might I suggest you move to a hotel closer to the sea. Or preferably in it.

Mrs Richards: Now listen to me. I'm not satisified but I've decided to stay. HOWEVER, I shall expect a deduction.

Basil: Why, because Krakatoa isn't erupting at the moment?

Mrs Richards: Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible and the radio doesn't work.

Basil: No, the radio works. You don't.