Quotes from Richard E. Grant movies and TV shows

Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge: You find my nephew amusing, Cratchit.
Bob Cratchit: He's a very pleasant fellow, sir.
Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge: You're another Christmas lunatic like him.
Bob Cratchit: If you say so, sir.
Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge: Oh, it seems you doubt me, Mr. Cratchit. What are you, then?
Bob Cratchit: Your clerk, Mr. Scrooge.
Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge: My fifteen shilling a week clerk, with a wife and family, but you babble about "Merry Christmas." I'll retire to Bedlam.

Denis Dimbleby Bagley: My grandfather was caught molesting a wallaby in a private zoo in 1919.
Psychiatrist: A wallaby?
Denis Dimbleby Bagley: It may have been a kangaroo. I'm not sure.
Psychiatrist: You mean sexually?
Denis Dimbleby Bagley: I suppose so. He had his hand in its pouch.

Frederick Sackville-Bagg: I don't wear the costume of a Shakespearian aristocrat - I am an aristocrat.

Franklin Wilhern: Why can't I have bacon?
Jessica Wilhern: Because you love oatmeal.
Franklin Wilhern: No... I love bacon.

Jessica Wilhern: What are they doing?
Franklin Wilhern: She's finding his instrument.
Jessica Wilhern: Isn't that something a man should do for himself?

Pastor: Can I ask what your interest is in finding such a book?
Giles Redferne: Our interest lies in stopping those who would see all good falter. It lies in stopping the powers of misrule from coming of age. It lies in finding that damned book, and thwarting a vile beast of a man who shall not rest until God himself is thrown down, and all of creation becomes Satan's black hell-besmeared farting hole.
Kassandra: You asked.

Giles Redferne: The alter table, he broked it?
Kassandra: Yeah, he "broked" it.

Giles Redferne: My boots work best with ground beneath them - directly beneath.

Withnail: Are you the farmer?
Marwood: Shut up, I'll deal with this.
Withnail: We've gone on holiday by mistake. We're in this cottage here. Are you the farmer?
Marwood: Stop saying that Withnail, of course he's the fucking farmer!

Marwood: I've been called a ponce.
Withnail: What fucker said that?
Irishman: I called him a ponce. And now I'm calling you one, PONCE!
Withnail: Would you like a drink?
Irishman: What's your name, MacFuck?
Withnail: I have a heart condition. I have a heart condition, if you hit me it's murder.

Barman: Time, gents, please.
Withnail: Alright, we're going to have to work quickly. A pair of quadruple whiskies and another pair of pints, please.

Withnail: I've some extremely distressing news.
Marwood: I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear anything. Oh God, it's a nightmare, I tell you, it's a nightmare.
Withnail: We just ran out of wine. What are we gonna do about it?
Marwood: I don't know, I don't know. Oh God, I don't feel good. My thumbs have gone weird! I'm in the middle of a bloody overdose! Oh God. My heart's beating like a fucked clock! I feel dreadful, I feel really dreadful!
Withnail: So do I, so does everybody. Look at my tongue, it's wearing a yellow sock. Sit down for Christ's sake, what's the matter with you? Eat some sugar.

Withnail: We want the finest wines available to humanity. And we want them here, and we want them now!

Withnail: I think a drink, don't you?
Marwood: What about the wellingtons?
Withnail: Oh, bollocks to the wellingtons. We'll tell him they had a farmers conference and had a run on them.

Withnail: Right, you fucker, I'm going to do the washing up!
Marwood: No, no, you can't. It's impossible, I swear it. I've looked into it. Listen to me, listen to me! There are things in there, there's a tea-bag growing! You haven't slept in sixty hours, you're in no state to tackle it. Wait till the morning, we'll go in together.
Withnail: This IS the morning. Stand aside!
Marwood: You don't understand. I think there may be something living in there, I think there may be something alive.
Withnail: What do you mean? a rat?
Marwood: It's possible, it's possible.
Withnail: Then the fucker will rue the day!

Danny: The joint I'm about to roll requires a craftsman. It can utilise up to 12 skins. It is called a Camberwell Carrot.
Marwood: It's impossible to use 12 papers on one joint.
Danny: It's impossible to make a Camberwell Carrot with anything less.
Withnail: Who says it's a Camberwell Carrot?
Danny: I do. I invented it in Camberwell, and it looks like a carrot.

Withnail: I must have some booze. I demand to have some booze!

Marwood: If my father was loaded I'd ask him for some money.
Withnail: If your father was my father you wouldn't get it.

Marwood: We're leaving in half an hour.
Withnail: Half an hour? Don't be ridiculous. I need at least an hour for lunch.

Marwood: What happened to your cigar commercial?
Withnail: That's what I want to know! What happened to my cigar commercial? What happened to my agent? Bastard must have died.
Marwood: September. It's a bad patch.
Withnail: Rubbish. Haven't seen Gielgud down the labour exchange! Why doesn't he retire?