Quotes from John Candy movies and TV shows

Frank Dooley: Ooh, they're going to feel that in the morning.

The Cowboy: Slim, I ain't never seen a handgun that big before.
Frank Dooley: Yeah, it's a 50 caliber. They used to use it to hunt buffalo with... up close! It's only legal in two states. And this isn't one of them.
The Cowboy: You're somthin' else, Slim.

Monty Brewster: Why is it when there's trouble we're the ones that get into it. I mean, there's a bar full of people and we're the only ones in jail.
Spike Nolan: I don't think it's racial you know, because I'm in here with you.
Monty Brewster: That's comforting.

Spike Nolan: Monty, this is Hackensack, NJ. No scout comes here, you understand that. Trains are going through the outfield right now. But you strike this guy out, I'll take you with me tonight and get you drunk, that's a promise.

Josef Grul: Hey, Jamaica! Watch out for Number Twelve turn. Scary, ja?
Derice Bannock: What's his problem?
Irv: He's Josef Grul. He's one of the best drivers in the world.
Yul Brenner: Yeah, he's one of the biggest assholes in the world, too.

British Official: We must also be concerned about the potential for embarrassment.
Irv: Oh, pardon me. I didn't realise that four black guys in a bobsled could make you blush.

Irv: Oh, yeah, just one little drawback to this delightful winter sport. The high-speed crash. Ooh! That hurt. Always remember, your bones will not break in a bobsled. No, no, no. They shatter.

Irv: Our Father, who art in Calgary, Bobsled be thy name. Thy kingdom come, gold medals won, on Earth as it is in Turn Seven. With Liberty and Justice for Jamaica and Haile Selassie. Amen.

Irv: Winning a bobsled race is about one thing: the push-start. Now I know you dainty, little track-stars think you're fast. Well, heh, let's see how fast you are when you push a six-hundred pound sled. Now a respectable start-time is five-point-seven seconds. If you speed demons can't whip off an even six flat, you have a better chance of becoming a barbershop quartet.

Irv: I told the owner of the bar that these guys were mentally disturbed, so he's not going to press any charges.
Sanka Coffie: Yeah! Sled god does it again.
Irv: Just shut up, Sanka.

Jack Gable: What are you doing here? I sent you to Cleveland.
Jack Gates: I should kill you for that alone.

Jack Gable: Jack Gable: I am dead! I'm in Hell! And my punishment, is to spend eternity on my own show.

Jack Gable: He's operating on people? He's an actor! Not even a good one.

John Bourgignon: I'll just shut the fuck right up.

John Bourgignon: This is a special song I'm going to sing with my dick in my hand. For you, honey.

John Bourgignon: 'Scuse me, I'm looking for a guy named Skipper.
Skipper: I'm a guy named Skipper.

Chick Leff: Now what are you going to say to her?
John Bourgignon: I'm going to take your advice. I'm going to sit her down. Look her in the eyes. And lie my ass off.
Chick Leff: Always works, Johnny.

Jerome Willy Muhammed: I know the police out there... with their machine guns and helicopters. Oh, we're going to get blown away! But that's all right... because we're ready to die.
John Bourgignon: No, we're not.

Wilbur: Welcome to "Albatross Air: A Fair Fare From Here to There." You get it?"A fair fare." It's-It's a play on... never mind.

Miss Bianca: Oh, Captain. Is this a non-stop flight to Australia?
Wilbur: Well, uh, not exactly. No. I can definitely say no. We're gonna have to make connections with a bigger bird. Non-stop? Who do I look like, Charles Lindbergh?