Dogma (1999) - 44 quotes

Jay: Get offa me. I wanna see what's up. What the fuck is this shit? Who the fuck are you, lady? Why the fuck did you hug my head?

Metatron: Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there?

Jay: What the fuck is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking?

Metatron: I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion's eyes.

Jay: What the fuck does that mean? Has everyone gone fuckin' nuts? What the fuck happened to that guy's head?

Azrael: What did you tell him, Serendipity? To hit me with the golf club? Are you serious? I'm a fucking demon And you're gonna have him assault me with a putter?

Jay: What about sex?

Bethany: No sex.

Bartleby: I'm going to have to start off by apologizing for my friend, he has a penchant for the dramatic.

Jay: Oh, I'm Jay, and this is my hetero-lifemate Silent Bob. I don't know who those kids were, but they would've kicked yours and Lunchbox's asses if I hadn't represented.

Jay: [Waking up] I didn't come in you, Pete, I swear.

Bethany: What are you?

Metatron: I'm pissed off is what I am! Do you go around drenching everyone who comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single.

Cardinal Glick: Fill them pews, people, that's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young.

Rufus: Kind of like the tobacco industry?

Cardinal Glick: Christ, if only we had their numbers.

Metatron: Good Lord, the little stoner's got a point.

Rufus: So what do we do now?

Metatron: Well, I say we get drunk, because I'm all out of ideas.

Bethany: You're saying that having beliefs is a bad thing?

Rufus: I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier.

Serendipity: Read the Bible again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. It stinks.

Rufus: In the three years I followed His ass around Jerusalem, did I ever get laid? Hell no. And I was in my prime. I could've been knee-deep in shepherd's daughters, not to mention fine-ass Mary Magdalene. She had a thing for dark meat, if you follow me.

Rufus: White folks only want to hear the good shit: life eternal, a place in God's Heaven. But as soon as they hear they're getting this good shit from a black Jesus, they freak. And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy. A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your Savior.

Rufus: Hey! What I just did gave me a fucking migraine! So if you don't pipe down, I'm going to yank your sack off like a paper towel.

Jay: She's fucking pissed, dude. She'll never fuck us now. Well, maybe you, but definitely not me. Let me know how she is.

Bethany Sloane: NOBODY IS FUCKING ME! YOU GOT THAT?!

Metatron: See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.

Liz: He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is small, and it's easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled.

Bethany: You're suggesting I need to get filled?

Liz: In more ways than one. You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane. You need a man, if only for ten minutes.

Bethany: It's been my experience that the average male is never a man. Not even for ten minutes in his entire lifespan.

Liz: That'a a bit militant. You thinking of joining the other side?

Bethany: Couldn't do it. Women are insane.

Liz: Then YOU need to go back to church and ask God for a third option.

Bethany: I think that God is dead.

Liz: The sign of a true Catholic.

Bethany: I don't want this, it's too big.

Metatron: That's what Jesus said. Yes, I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father - not to be able to tell the Son Himself because one word from His lips would destroy the boy's frail human form? So I was forced to deliver the news to a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children. I had to tell this little boy that He was God's only Son, and that it meant a life of persecution and eventual crucifixion at the hands of the very people He came to enlighten and redeem. He begged me to take it back, as if I could. He begged me to make it all not true. And I'll let you in on something, Bethany, this is something I've never told anyone before... If I had the power, I would have.

Metatron: Tell a person that you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankly. Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everybody is a theology scholar.