Grace Winterbourne: How did I ever raise such a snob?
Bill Winterbourne: It's a mystery Mother... let's ask the servants.
Mickey Fitzpatrick: Why are you getting so upset Dad? You don't even believe in God.
Mr. Fitzpatrick: That doesn't mean I'm going to stop being a good Catholic.
Mitchell Kane: Are you happy with your deal with Sultan?
Johnny Winsor: Happy? I'd sooner be turked by a syphilitic bear.
Mitchell Kane: T-turked? Turked? What is turked?
Johnny Winsor: Rectally relieved.
Charles Remington: Oh, you're right. The devil has come to Tsavo. Look at me! I am the devil.
Tony Two Toes: We're from the local 129th, sonny.
Mikey: We heard you was loading a ship without the assistance of bonefide union labor. Say it ain't so.
Eamon de Valera: The Irish people established the Irish Republic. It can only be disestablished by the Irish people.
Dammers: Sheriff! You are violating my territorial bubble.
Ron Albertson: If there's an empty space, just fill it with a line, that's what I like to do. Even if it's from another show.
Eddie: My Gran said put a thimble on your finger and it helps you in case you slip with the needle and it goes up, into the brain, and death.
Taffy Dale: Guess it wasn't the dove.
Alexia: Today is definitely day one.
Hayley: Day one of what?
Alexia: My diet. Oh, excuse me. I mean your diet. A fruit and veggie fast. You're bloated.
Hayley: What are you talking about? I'm a knockout. Make-up may be a bit heavy. Not me.
[Chris Farley gets his tie stuck in the trunk of the old couple.]
Old man: He must be hopped up on crack cocaine!
Rizzo: What's wrong?
Gonzo: It just feels so weird.
Rizzo: You mean that Mr. Arrow's dead?
Gonzo: Yeah, that... And my pants are filled with starfish.
Rizzo: You and your hobbies.
Hamlet: Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio - a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He hath bore me on his back a thousand times, and now how abhorred in my imagination it is! My gorge rises at it. Here hung these lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now? Your gambols? Your songs? Your flashes of merriment that were won't to set the table on a roar?
[Professor Klump struggles to fit into his chair because of his obese size, before finally getting in.]
Dean Richmond: Anything I can get for you? Juice? Coffee? Rack of lamb?
Benny Dalmau: What would you do if I kissed ya?
Gina Cardinale: You're out of your mind Benny. You should take more drugs.
Sgt. Bilko: It's the odometer Wally, it says 12,000 miles and it should say 11,000 miles. Tony here drove it to Lake Tahoe over the weekend to go to his grandmother's funeral.
Walter Holbrook: Oh, I'm sorry, Tony.
Sgt. Bilko: When I say "go to his grandmother's funeral", I mean visit his niece. And when I say "niece", I mean lady friend. Look. I'm winking. Look at my eye.
Mark "Rent-boy" Renton: Now I've justified this to myself in all sorts of ways. It wasn't a big deal, just a minor betrayal. Or we'd outgrown each other, you know, that sort of thing. But let's face it, I ripped them off - my so called mates. But Begbie, I couldn't give a shit about him. And Sick Boy, well he'd done the same to me, if he'd only thought of it first. And Spud, well okay, I felt sorry for Spud - he never hurt anybody. So why did I do it? I could offer a million answers - all false. The truth is that I'm a bad person. But, that's gonna change - I'm going to change. This is the last of that sort of thing. Now I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life. I'm looking forward to it already. I'm gonna be just like you. The job, the family, the fucking big television. The washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electric tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisure wear, luggage, three piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing gutters, getting by, looking ahead, the day you die.