Michelle: I thought you never lied.
Austin: I don't. It's just that sometimes I withhold the qualifiers.
Michelle: For somebody who says facts are all that count, Mr. Jimmy Austin, you're the most deceitful person I know.
Austin: I once determined that there are forty-nine different ways to misrepresent the truth. I only use six, way below the national average of thirty-two.
Madeline Magellan: Enough with the pedanticism and let us eat.
Jonathan Creek: The word is pedantry.
Mr. Lyle: When in doubt, lie.
Paul: You know, sometimes a guys just gotta set the world on fire, hey Rolfy. I wonder if there's a nice bottle of rubbing alcohol around here, and a match.
Episode #1.3 - S1-E3
Kate: You wouldn't have a problem if this was your daughter?
Jack: She's not my daughter!
Kate: She's someone's daughter.
Jack: Every woman I've ever had sex with was someone's daughter, it's never stopped me from playing daddy.
Kate: Urgh.
Jack: I think that might have come out wrong.
Kate: OK, if your daughter was a stripper.
Jack: Why is my daughter a stripper?!
Kate: Ah, so you would mind!
Jack: What if your son...was a rapist?
Kate: How is that relevant?!
Jack: You started it.
Kate: I want you to acknowledge how you'd feel if your daughter made her living by having men leering at her.
Jack: OK, how would you feel if your rapist son attacked my stripper daughter, threw acid in her face, she's disfigured for life, can't even work!
Kate: I wouldn't defend him.
Jack: Your own son?! Some mother you'd be.
Narrator: Ready for a story about superheroes? Ugh, more TV superheroes. Just what the world needs. Be honest, have you hung yourselves yet? Or, what if I told you this was actually a story about super-zeroes? Losers. Achingly pathetic meta-human goose eggs. How about it? Ready to feel better about your own miserable lives for the next hour or so? Follow me. Our story begins, as such stories do, with a visit to a Nazi. I'm sorry. Cobbler.
Tom Stillman: Do you think someone who had a nervous breakdown after four months at Fort Hood could survive five years in the Hanoi Hilton?
Harvey Leek: Nash, the most high-tech thing on this computer is the flying toaster screen saver.
Michael: Whoever sent us down here was smart, you know? Because they sent us together, and as long as we stick together, we're gonna make it.
Woody: Any way to tell her age from the autopsy?
Bug: Sure, I'll just cut her open and count the rings.
Woody: You could have simply said no.
Gerry Standing: Will you stop creeping up on me.
Brian Lane: I don't creep, I glide.
Ron Carter: In light of the severity of these crimes, we ask for remand, your honor.
Ms. O'Brien: In light of the weakness of their evidence, remand is absurd.
Ron Carver: The evidence past mustard with the grand jury.
Ms. O'Brien: Oh right, was my client indicted before or after the ham sandwich?
Logan: I love the '80s.
Leo: Heads up. Risky Business at 12 o'clock.
Logan: Come on, everyone! Let's Wang Chung tonight! What? Everybody Wang Chung tonight! Wang Chung or I'll kick your ass.
Horace Rumpole: She who must be obeyed.
Det. Supt. Peter Boyd: I'll have to have a word with you, please.
Jacqueline Wright: We're going to Longleat.
Det. Supt. Peter Boyd: I'm afraid the lions will have to wait.
Colby Granger: Colonel in Special Ops said he was the bastard son of Clint Eastwood and Yoda.
Detective Ray Velcoro: Pain is inexhaustible. It's only people that get exhausted.