Dick and the Single Girl - S2-E24
Harry: You know, I bet I could write a killer "X-Files."
Tommy: I could write one in my sleep.
Harry: I could write one hanging upside down.
Tommy: I could write one with a crayon.
Harry: I could write one if I lost both my arms and had to type with my feet.
Dick: I wanna watch one! Why don't you shut up and go write one!?
Tommy: Fine then, we will. Come on, Harry.
Harry: Yeah, come on.
Dick: Good, and when it's on TV I'll talk all through the damn thing and see how you like it! (00:01:35)
Don: Congratulations, Dick, you got yourself a hell of a rhymer. I mean, I've tried to rhyme, you know. There was a dog who sat on a log, his name was...Rog? That sorta thing. Hold on to her, Dick. She's one of a kind.
Dick: So you like the the rhyming, eh? You like the rhyming?
Don: Yeah.
Dick: And what if the rhyming were never to stop? On, on, and on till your head doth pop. Oh, look! A book! A book on schnook! What kind of crook took my schnook nook book? Perchance, methinks, thee, hither, yon, thou. I think I'm going to have a freakin' cow!
Don: You sure seem to hate her, sounds really tough.
Dick: Hate is a strong word, but not strong enough.
Dick Jokes - S2-E11
Dick: You know, it's a remarkable feeling to be able to make someone else laugh. It's almost as if you have the power to get inside their brain and, and tickle it.
Harry: Pssh. I could do that with a chopstick.
Dick: Imagine how different war would be if instead of trying to kill each other, people just showed up armed with jokes.
Sally: But you could still have guns, right? Because, you know, eventually you'd stop laughing and want to get on with the killing.
Same Old Song and Dick - S2-E17
Dick: I just want us to be the way we were, the greatest lovers in history.
Mary: Dick, put your panties back on and sit down. We're fine, there's nothing wrong with us. Our relationship is normal.
Dick: I don't want normal. I want ceaseless joy and never-ending passion, like Romeo and Juliet.
Mary: They both wound up dead.
Dick: Anthony and Cleopatra.
Mary: Dead.
Dick: Well, that couple from Wuthering Heights.
Mary: Insane and dead.
Dick: F. Scott Fitzgerald and Zelda.
Mary: Drunk, insane, and dead.
Dick: Tristan ùnd Iseult.
Mary: Abgeschossen.
Dick: Aha! Siegfried and Roy!
Mary: OK, one.
Dick: Can any of you come up with a reasonable scenario in which throwing out a piece of mail would result in having your ribs broken by a floor waxer?
Harry: Absolutely. The guy who was waxing the floor thought you were throwing out his paycheck.
Dick: No. The guy with the waxer knew nothing about it.
Tommy: Then why were you throwing out his paycheck?
Dick: No. There was no paycheck.
Sally: No paycheck? Well, no wonder the waxer dude went psycho on you.
Dick the Mouth Solomon - S4-E18
Tommy: [Mafia accent] Look, Don, we come two different worlds, you and me, and I don't think we should be seen together no more, capisce!
Officer Don: Let me lay out the cold, hard facts for you, Tommy. If you're involved in something criminal, there's a 1 in 5 chance you'll be caught. If you're prosecuted, there's a 2% chance you'll be convicted. So don't play with fire.
Angry Dick - S1-E13
Sally: Dick, what's wrong?
Dick: I don't know. There's an odd sensation moving through my body. [Groans] Who the hell does that stupid sack of fat think he is anyway?!
Harry: Dick?
Dick: I have a plan.
Sally: Remember, we're not allowed to liquify humans.
Dick: OK. I have another plan.
Tina: Miss, is everything okay?
Sally: Oh, yeah, everything's great. Except you're ruining my relationship with Don.
Tina: Don?
Sally: Yeah, lady! Don Orville. I'm mean, we've been going out for over a year and all of a sudden your name comes up. And what are you trying to do to us?
Tina: Look, I was only with Don for six months. And two weeks after we broke up, he was already going out with Cheryl Fassler, and Laura Brockman after...
Sally: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...wait. [Pause] Wait. There were others?
Sally: I don't get it. For free, murder is a horrible tragedy, but you charge $100 for it, and suddenly it's a sophisticated night out.
Tommy: But it's inappropriate for kids.
Dick: This world does need more entertainment that's acceptable for children.
Harry: Something where people are nice to each other. Something where people can just love one another.
Tommy: They have that. It's called pornography.
Dick: Then that's what kids should watch.
Hotel Dick - S2-E3
Hotel Clerk: Good morning, Mr. Takei.
George Takei: Good morning. I'm checking out.
Hotel Clerk: Oh, of course. Here's your bill, sir.
George Takei: $3,000. Well, that's all right, I can afford it. I'm a famous actor.
Hotel Clerk: I'm sorry, that's $30,000, Mr. Takei.
George Takei: Oh my!
The Loud Solomon Family: A Dickumentary - S5-E9
Don: Sally? I want you to know that I accept you for who you are, and if we end up just being friends...
[Sally grabs and kisses Don]
Don: Sally!
Sally: Don. Oh man. Wow. You just kissed the gay right outta me.
Don: I did?
Sally: Uh-huh.
Don: What can I say? It's a gift.
Dick: You have a little tofu on your lip.
Jennifer: This smoothie is delicious. Please have a sip.
Dick: Ah, thank you. But, no, just uh, please, go like this [makes wiping motion near his mouth].
Jennifer: I've got an idea, how 'bout we kiss?
Dick: Okay, time out, you're missing my point.
Jennifer: Finish your food and we'll blow this joint.
Dick: Just listen to me, you have tofu on your lip. It's been there for what seems like an eternity, now please just flick it the hell off your face! [She despondently wipes her face.] Thank you, that's better. Now we can embrace.
Answer: The writers often have Dick respond to Mary with a retort that he thinks is in the common vernacular but makes a mistake in wording that is often funny. Dick seems to be imputing a criticism from Mary and responds with a corruption of the more common "I'm going to wear your ass like a hat!" I doubt it has anything to do with owing taxes. Probably just one of the writers assuming a common regional phrase would be universally recognized.
That makes total sense. I always interpreted it as perhaps snowshoes are an expensive item, and given that he was blaming Mary for his newfound financial woes, he was equating her living off his generosity and used snowshoeing as a metaphor.
Phaneron