Ron Livingston (back to the R list / L list)

[Discussing going to prison.]

Peter Gibbons: The most they would do is put us for a few months into a white-collar, minimum-security resort. You know, they have conjugal visits there?

Samir: They do?

Michael Bolton: Shit. I'm a free man and I haven't had a conjugal visit in six months.

Michael Bolton: You haven't even been showing up for work, and you got to keep your job.

Peter Gibbons: Actually, I'm being promoted.

Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.

Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?

Peter Gibbons: Yeah.

Dr. Swanson: Wow, that's messed up.

Bob Slydell: You see, what we're trying to do is get a feeling for how people spend their time at work so if you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you?

Peter Gibbons: Yeah.

Bob Slydell: Great.

Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door - that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh - after that I sorta space out for an hour.

Bob Porter: Da-uh? Space out?

Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too, I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.

Peter Gibbons: Before we go any further, all right, we have to swear to God, Allah, that nobody knows about this, all right? No family members, no girlfriends, nobody.

Samir: Of course.

Michael Bolton: Agreed

Lawrence: [Through the wall from the next door apartment] Don't worry man. I won't tell anyone about this either.

Michael Bolton: Who the fuck is that?

Peter Gibbons: Uh, don't worry about him. He's cool.

Joanna: How dare you judge me! You are just this penny-stealing, wannabe criminal man.

Peter Gibbons: Well, that may be, but at least I never slept with Lumbergh.

Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?

Lawrence: I'll tell you what I'd do, man, two chicks at the same time, man.

Peter Gibbons: That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time?

Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I had a million dollars I could hook that up, cause chicks dig a dude with money.

Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.

Lawrence: Well the kind of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do.

Peter Gibbons: Good point.

Lawrence: Well what about you now? what would you do?

Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time?

Lawrence: Well yeah.

Peter Gibbons: Nothing.

Lawrence: Nothing, huh?

Peter Gibbons: I'd relax, I would sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing.

Lawrence: Well you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Just take a look at my cousin, he's broke, don't do shit.

Peter Gibbons: You see Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.

Bob Porter: Don't... don't care?

Peter Gibbons: It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don't see another dime, so where's the motivation? And here's another thing, I have eight different bosses right now.

Bob Porter: Eight?

Peter Gibbons: Eight, Bob. So that means when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled, that, and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.

Dom Portwood: Hi, Peter. What's happening? We need to talk about your TPS reports.

Peter Gibbons: Yeah. The coversheet. I know, I know. Uh, Bill talked to me about it.

Dom Portwood: Yeah. Did you get that memo?

Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I got the memo. And I understand the policy. And the problem is just that I forgot the one time. And I've already taken care of it so it's not even really a problem anymore.

Dom Portwood: Ah! Yeah. It's just we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that'd be great. All right!

Bob Slydell: Would you bear with me for just a second, please?

Peter Gibbons: OK.

Bob Slydell: What if - and believe me this is a hypothetical - but what if you were offered some kind of a stock option equity sharing program. Would that do anything for you?

Peter Gibbons: I don't know, I guess. Listen, I'm gonna go. It's been really nice talking to both of you guys.

Bob Slydell: Absolutely, the pleasure's all on this side of the table, trust me.

Peter Gibbons: Good luck with your layoffs, all right? I hope your firings go really well.

Bob Porter: Excellent.

Bob Slydell: Great... Wow.