Dean Solomon: So... you're a janitor?
James: That's right. I'm a black man so I must be a janitor. Motherfucking racist-ass stereotyper.
Dean Solomon: It's just, you're... wearing a janitor's outfit.
James: Oh. So a black man can't just go in a thrift shop and buy a janitor's outfit 'cause he find it comfortable on his nuts.
Dean Solomon: No, he can. Especially a black man.
John Solomon: What do you do?
James: I'm a janitor.
Quotes from Will Forte movies and TV shows
John Solomon: So she got hit by a bus, huh? Poor girl.
Dean Solomon: Yeah, the bus took a pretty serious hit too. I mean she was a large girl. Comfortably in the 200's.
John Solomon: I literally can not wait to feel myself inside you.
Janine: Woah! The only thing you're going to feel yourself inside of is a cold Dixie cup.
Dean Solomon: Well that certainly doesn't make your vagina sound very appealing.
Dean Solomon: I gotta be honest, Erica. I'm really feeling a connection here. I mean, you're beautiful, impeccable dresser... great personality, nice hair, fat, great smile, smell good. Have you ever heard of the phrase "More cushion for the pushin"'?
Erica: Yeah, why?
Dean Solomon: Because you got it, lady.
John Solomon: I think we maybe need to broaden our search to include less conventional methods of having a baby.
Dean Solomon: Like anal?
Max's Dad: I will always love you, but I no longer like you.
Dieter Von Cunth: You punch like a little girl.
MacGruber: Well, you're gonna walk around like a little girl. 'Cause after I disarm this nuke, I'm gonna cut off your dick and.
Dieter Von Cunth: Shove it in my mouth. You're like a broken record.
MacGruber: The only record I'm gonna break is the "amount of your own dick in your mouth" record.
MacGruber: Classic MacGruber.
MacGruber: Looks like you're keeping your bod pretty tight.
Frank Korver: You're looking pretty good yourself.
MacGruber: Well, everday's a workout when you gotta carry around a 20 pound python in your jeans.
Frank Korver: You and your dick comments.
MacGruber: It's fun to say them.
Frank Korver: It's fun to hear them.
MacGruber: That's why I say them.
Frank Korver: And that's why I listen.
MacGruber: I've got a better idea: no fucking way.
MacGruber: Hoss Bender, dead at the age of who the fuck cares.
MacGruber: Okay, so once we take out the guards, Vicki will walk in dressed as Hoss, and then we'll just, you know, see what happens. You ready?
Lt. Dixon Piper: Wait. Wait, so we're just gonna wing it?
MacGruber: Piper, there's a big difference between winging it and seeing what happens. Now let's see what happens.
Lt. Dixon Piper: The Legendary MacGruber. Former Navy SEAL, Army Ranger and Green Beret. Served six tours in Desert Storm, four in Bosnia, three each in Angola, Somalia, Mozambique, Nicaragua and Sierra Leone. Recipient of sixteen Purple Hearts, three Congressional Medals of Honor, seven Presidential Medals of Bravery and starting tight end for the University of Texas, El Paso.
MacGruber: That was a long time ago.
MacGruber: That was great! That was fuckin' tits.
MacGruber: Let me tell you how this is gonna go down. First I'm gonna kick you in the chin, breaking your jaw in four places. I'm gonna take you and karate flip you over my back, and then knee your nose into your brain, killing you instantly. I do wanna get a throat rip in here. I think that's gonna be you, small fry. One thing I do know, at the end of the day, Cunth, I'm gonna rip your dick off and shove it in your mouth. And that is non-negotiable. Who's first?
Vicki St. Elmo: I thought you were dead.
MacGruber: So did I, but I'm not.
Receptionist: Does he have Alzheimer's?
David Grant: No, he just believes what people tell him.
Receptionist: That's too bad.
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