Quotes from Judd Hirsch movies and TV shows

President Thomas Whitmore: I don't understand, where does all this come from? How do you get funding for something like this?
Julius Levinson: You don't actually think they spend $20,000 on a hammer, $30,000 on a toilet seat do you?

Albert Nimziki: I'm not Jewish.
Julius Levinson: Well, nobody's perfect.

Julius Levinson: Everyone's trying to get out of Washington, and we're the only schmucks trying to get in.

Julius Levinson: You punched the President of the United States!
David Levinson: He wasn't the President *yet*!

Julius Levinson: If I had known I was gonna meet the president I would've worn a tie. Look at me, I look like a schliemiel.

Julius Levinson: All you need is love. John Lennon, smart man. Shot in the back, very sad.

Julius Levinson: David. What the hell are you doing?
David Levinson: Making a mess!
Julius Levinson: Yes, this I can see.

Julius Levinson: Vultures. They take and then they go.
David Levinson: They're going. They're going faster than we are.

Alan Eppes: Ah, I'm just a little nervous.
Terry Lake: Don't worry-everything looks wonderful. In fact, your son could learn a few things from you. Know where we went on our first date?
Don Eppes: All right, all right, all right, all right.
Terry Lake: The laundromat. Dinner was pizza.
Don Eppes: A little professionalism.
Alan Eppes: You don't say... How interesting.

Don Eppes: Dad, sorry, we gotta go.
Alan Eppes: Sure, right. Couldn't get any worse.
Don Eppes: Listen: alcohol. Lots of alcohol.
Alan Eppes: For who?

Alan Eppes: Checkmate.
Don Eppes: Checkmate.
Charlie Eppes: Oh, yeah, I see. You guys are ganging up on me, huh? You did that on purpose, that little distraction thing.

Don Eppes: Hey, Dad. What are you doing here?
Alan Eppes: Well, I-I like coming whenever Charlie gives one of these math-for-dummies lectures. It's the only time I actually understand what he's talking about.

Dr. Berger: So you felt great. You brought home a Christmas tree and everything was hunky dory. Okay?
Conrad "Con" Jarrett: You're the doctor.
Dr. Berger: Listen, don't take refuge in one-liners like "you're the doctor." Okay? Because that pisses me off.
Conrad "Con" Jarrett: Okay.

Dr. Berger: So what are you thinking now?
Conrad "Con" Jarrett: That I jack off a lot.
Dr. Berger: So what else is new? Does it help?
Conrad "Con" Jarrett: For a minute.

Dr. Donna Burke: Just what the hell are you guys running here, a gd zoo? I'm in the middle of a fundraiser breakfast when I'm informed that your school psychologist has flipped out in the middle of your gd office. And, then I get here and find out that there has been a stabbing, and if that's not enough, one of your kids tries to eat one of your gd teachers. Mr. Rubell, what the hell do you call that?
Roger Rubell: Monday.