Quotes from Jon Lovitz movies and TV shows

Mel: And try to keep it under a billion, it's all I've got...on me.

[Mel just informs construction workers they have 24 hours to build baseball stadium.]
Mel: If you build it, nerds will come.

Lampy: Are you sure this is the right way?
The Radio: I'm as sure as I am honest.
Lampy: In that case, we're definitely lost.

The Radio: This is my sleeping place, see? And nobody crosses this line.
Lampy: Yeah, well, you'd better not wake us up at 6:00, as usual.
Kirby: What are you complaining about? You didn't do any work today.

The Radio: I've always loved travel anyway: the open road, the smell of the wind in my face, the flies clogging up my grill.

The Radio: Why, I don't believe I've ever seen quite so many smiles before.
Kirby: I've never seen contraptions with so many buttons and knobs and dials before.
Computer: Naturally, we are on the cutting edge of technology.
Lampy: Wow.
The Radio: Well, what does that mean?
Lampy: I don't know. What's that mean?

Lampy: Just shorted right out.
The Radio: Cracked up and snapped. He sold the farm. Poor chap.
Lampy: How does he look?
The Radio: A little better than you, actually.

Blanky: Do we have to stop here?
Toaster: Only for a while.
The Radio: Just long enough to lose our minds! We'll be cannibals within a few days, I've seen it happen.
Kirby: And you'll be the first to go, dial-face.

Kirby: Oh, come off it! Be serious.
Toaster: I am serious.
Kirby: You're insane.
The Radio: Why, if we were all wiener dogs, our problems would be solved.
Toaster: What?
The Radio: Or maybe it was a basset hound.
Kirby: You're all insane.

Kirby: The battery's gone dead.
The Radio: We're trapped here like rats! Small little rats with no hair and one leg.

Lampy: Legs would help, you know.
Kirby: Brains wouldn't hurt either.
Lampy: Lay off.
The Radio: Yeah, pipe down, carpet-breath.

Toaster: You know, guys? We are going to need some kind of shelter.
Kirby: Yeah. Shelter for the likes of them.
The Radio: Come over here and say that, chrome dome.
Kirby: What?
The Radio: Oh sorry about that. I meant to say, "Vacuous vacuum."

Richard Clark: Victoria, could you give me a ride home? I seem to have misplaced my car.
Victoria Chapell: Oh, don't worry about it. All the teachers loose their car on their first day.

Principal Evelyn Doyle: I inherited the business from my late husband.
Richard Clark: I'm shocked.
Principal Evelyn Doyle: What? That a woman can run a business?
Richard Clark: No. That you were ever married.

Richard Clark: I've never been very good with relationships. In fact, most of mine ended with "Hey, what are you doing in bed with that other woman?" And that was me talking.

Richard Clark: Why are you late?
Natalie: Because the bell rang before I got here.

Enrico Pollini: Am I too late-a? Look I won a coin, a gold coin-a, isn't it wonderful? Look at this room, what a beautiful room, have you seen this room?
Randy Pear: Yes! We're IN it.

Hattie Anderson: Do you really want to do this?
Bill Firpo: Do what?
Hattie Anderson: You know rob the bank.
Dave Firpo: Absolutely! We have thought this over and we've made a decision.
Hattie Anderson: But on Christmas Eve, it just doesn't seem right. You're going to ruin the winter fest.
Bill Firpo: The winter fest? I've got a gun and your talking about the winter fest. Well who are you?

Alvin Firpo: Have you seen my Pez dispenser?
Dave Firpo: No. Shut up.

Bill Firpo: I've got a feeling you're not telling me something.
Dave Firpo: Well this feeling you're getting is paranoia.
Alvin Firpo: Hey, let's just go.