Sherman Schrader: Ask me about my wiener.
Sherman Schrader: It was your idea to put "acceptance is just one click away"
Bartleby Gaines: Yeah, you put it as "one click away"! You don't make it... clickable.
Diane Gaines: I knew we should've started preparing for college in junior high, like your sister.
Jack Gaines: Now she's got a shot.
Lizzie Gaines: I've got a shot.
Diane Gaines: She's got a shot.
Sherman Schrader: Yeah, cool guys. Let's start this fake college, and then we'll go start a meth lab somewhere. Come on, it's a gateway crime. That's how these things start.
Bartleby Gaines: Hey Rory, hows it goin? What's wrong?
Rory: I... I... I - I didn't get into Ya - I didn't get into... I-I-I I didn't get into Yal - I didn't get into Yale.
Bartleby Gaines: What? Why not?
Rory: Well, there's no room for Rory at Yale! No, too many mediocre rich kids with well-connected parents.
Bartleby Gaines: Does the run-of-the-mill college experience include stripping you of your dignity? Totally humiliating you, making you wear a... a... frigging hot dog suit?
Sherman Schrader: It's a tradition.
Bartleby Gaines: A tradition?
Sherman Schrader: Yes.
Bartleby Gaines: I've got a tradition for you. Schrader, you've been my best friend since we were 5 years old. That's the only tradition I know.
Kiki: Glen, I love your wads.
Bartleby Gaines: I could go to jail.
Uncle Ben: Don't worry, you're young. Your butt can take it.
Freaky Student: I want to learn how to blow shit up with my mind.
Sherman Schrader: This place is awesome cause now I can finally get Hepatitis.
Uncle Ben: Health insurance my ass! They don't pay for shit. You get sick on a Friday, they only pay from Monday through Thursday. You go to doctor A, they only pay for doctor B. You break your penis, they only fix vaginas.
Sherman Schrader: I don't want to be here alone when the walls start to bleed.
Bartleby Gaines: And they all paid first semester's tuition?
Rory: Yep. 10,000 bucks apiece. I stopped counting after the first 100 checks.
Glen: That's 74 million dollars.
Rory: It's a million dollars, Glen.
Glen: Yeah... In human dollars.
Bartleby Gaines: What the hell happened?
Glen: An explosion of flavor. I'm working with some very unstable herbs.
Sherman Schrader: Yes! Yes! I want it! I want everything you guys have! I want Lilac shirts! I want visors kinda tilted to the side with hair gel coming out of them! I want to have sex with girls that look like this.
Jack Gaines: Listen, I took another look at that website, what's all this be-what-you-wanna-be-crap?
Bartleby Gaines: Oh no no, dad they just have to say stuff like that just to keep from being sued.
Jack Gaines: Yeah well it sounds like a bunch of crap to me.
Bartleby Gaines: Remember that time we had to steal my mom's birth control pills?
Sherman Schrader: Yeah, and then Lizzie was born.
Bartleby Gaines: It's worse than that.
Rory: Ever since nursery school, every single waking moment of every single day has been scheduled. So what do I want to do? Nothing.
Bartleby Gaines: Cheap, zen, beautiful. I like it.
Bartleby Gaines: Hey Shrad, do you know any places up near Harmon we can rent?
Sherman Schrader: Oh, yeah I do, actually. I carry around a list with me at all times of abandoned buildings for fake colleges.
Glen: Holy Balls.
Answer: It's Holiday, by Green Day.